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  1. #1
    Senior Member Davey Jones's Avatar
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    Default Shave Your Head, Get a Tan, and Get Your A** to the Gym

    So you're bald? I know what you're thinking. It's the same thing we all thought at first: "F**K!" And probably also "WELL, S**T!", "WELL, S**T F**K", and "GOD D**M IT ALL TO S**T F**K!" This is natural, but at some point, you're gonna have to start having real thoughts again, you know? You're gonna have to tackle this. To start off and save you a lot of time right now: putting emu fat on your head, drinking a bunch of red wine, and all those other natural cures are just going to make you oily and drunk. I'm not here to bash being oily and drunk. That state certainly has it's place, but it will not give you hair. You're gonna have to start dealing with this, and I'm sad to say that after a certain point, getting your hair back is not one of your options. (For now.)

    If you're just starting to bald, this post is not for you. Not yet, at least. You may still be in that first stage of hairloss. That stage where you have enough hair that you can still fool yourself. What a pleasant stage that was. But soon enough, unless your denial glands are strong, this will pass. Then there's gonna be a while after that where you'll still be able to fool others. You'll style your hair in just the right way, and you'll be accepted among the ranks of the full heads of hair. Enjoy this while you can, because it is a fleeting ability. Then, finally one day, you'll look in the mirror and you'll realize, "Well hell, I'm not foolin' anybody anymore." When you're there, come on back. This post is for you.

    Firstly, realize that this game is over for your hair. The scores are in, and you lost. You gotta move on. Look at it like this: if you cut your arm open, would you just let it fester and ooze worrying about it, saying, "Well I could get it sewed up, but it wouldn't look nearly as good as it did!" Again, your arm looking as good as it did is no longer an option. It may hurt, it may not look as nice as it used to, but it's time to sew this s**t up. Your hair is no longer helping you. It is now the enemy. Kill it off, baby. On your own terms.

    STEP 1: SHAVE YOUR HEAD
    Two options:
    1. For the faint of heart, you could always just buzz it. An eighth of an inch is sufficient, but I recommend taking all the guards off your buzzer and letting it do it's job. That is, I recommend it for the faint of heart. For the brave, it's time to get real.
    2. Shave it. In the interest of doing this balls to the wall, go with a straight razor. Keep in mind, you will have to buzz it first, so this is less of an option 2 more of an "option 1a, how to be a real man." Using a straight razor serves two functions. For one, I've found that the shave is closer than with a disposable safety razor. Yet, despite this close shave, it leaves less razor burn. In fact, I've not had any, really. How it does this is beyond me, but that's that. For two, straight razor shaving is the manliest thing you can do to your head that isn't fatal (usually). You have to understand, the new sort of attractiveness you'll be shooting for is an incredibly manly sort, and that is going to have to reflect in your life.

    (For buzzing, I've always had good luck with Whal beard trimmers. Pick one up at any Walmart. For straight razor shaving, start with this disposable: http://www.amazon.com/Parker-SRW-Sta...4784719&sr=8-1. I will personally vouch for the quality, and it is an inexpensive way to see if straight razor shaving is your thing. But trust me, it's your thing, you manly son of a b***h.)

    STEP 2: GET A TAN
    So I've spent the last paragraph remarking off and on about how it's important to be manly. This seems to contradict the idea of going tanning. It sounds like you'll be putting on your bikini and laying out with your sorority sisters to help you get all the cute frat boys. The sad thing is, I can't really argue with that. Going tanning is NOT manly. The thing that IS manly is working all day out in the fields and ending up with a tan on accident because you're a man, have work to do, and don't give a f**k. Luckily, whether you're laying out with your girls or working the fields, the tan looks exactly the same. Sometimes, when you can't be manly, you should at very least fake it.

    Besides, the point of the whole thing is that bald heads look better tanned, and there is nothing more manly than doing things to get girls to bang you. No matter your thoughts on it, trust me, you need a tan. Quit thinking about it so much and go enjoy the sun.

    STEP 3: GET YOUR A** TO THE GYM
    Quick question, do you have a gym membership? No? Oh, good, prepare to look like s**t bald. Think of all the people that actually look good bald. This is a good exercise in and of itself, because it assures you that looking good bald is at least possible. But now, since you're picturing Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, and The Rock (post head shave) anyway, what do these people look like from the neck down? THAT is what you need to be shooting for. Get your daily planner out and go ahead and mark out an hour or so of everyday. You work out now, and it's as simple as that. Also, while you have your daily planner out, throw your f**king planner out. Having a daily planner is not manly. It's just a glorified diary, young lady.

    (I'd recommend starting with with Mark Rippetoe's Starting Strength program. But you're gonna want to learn as much as you can about working out. Www.bodybuilding.com is nice, though a little commercial now a days. Also, trust no one. Everyone has an opinion and 99% are retarded. And take protein. Simple as that, you have to do that now. Go with this: http://www.truenutrition.com/p-1097-...25lbs.aspx?t=n. There are no additives, and it's the best protein/dollar price I've ever seen, outside of short term sales. Look for discount codes on Google.)

    STEP 4: GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE
    The bad thing about this is that following these steps will not assure that you look as good as you used to. Just like sewing up your cut arm is not going to assure you don't show some scars. But like the stitches, these steps will make you look as good as you possibly can given the current circumstances. Yes, that sucks. It f**king sucks. I know that. But thinking about that is not what's going to make you look better. Shaving your head, getting a tan, and hitting the gym is what's going to do that. You're just gonna have to play the cards you were dealt, because that's all we can do in life. And remember, as the great poet Lil' Wayne says:

    "All this bullshit, it makes me strong motherf**ker."

    Get out there and deal with it, you strong motherf**ker.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Davey Jones's Avatar
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    If you are already too bald to look good with hair, but don't like the idea of shaving it, your other option is to start sacrificing goats to the devil or something praying that Replicel comes through. I'm doing both. Just to be safe.

  3. #3
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    I wish it was that easy!

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    Wonderful. Blog worthy.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by john2399 View Post
    I wish it was that easy!
    Things are often only as hard one makes them out to be.

  6. #6
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    Also, while you have your daily planner out, throw your f**king planner out. Having a daily planner is not manly. It's just a glorified diary, young lady.
    I lulz'd


    I'd like to point out that Rippetoes SS isn't for the faint of heart either and while its a program that can work...there are better ways of doing it without having to gain all that fat some will say. GOMAD is easy...but doing the program to build the muscle to replace the fat is where a lot of people fail...then they just stay fat because of all that milk.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Davey Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by john2399 View Post
    I wish it was that easy!
    Quote Originally Posted by clandestine View Post
    Things are often only as hard one makes them out to be.
    Clandestine handled this. There ain't nothin' to it but to do it. Unless you meant the goat sacrificing part. Then I'd like to ask you to be a little more respectful of my religious beliefs.

    Quote Originally Posted by NotBelievingIt View Post
    I'd like to point out that Rippetoes SS isn't for the faint of heart either and while its a program that can work...there are better ways of doing it without having to gain all that fat some will say. GOMAD is easy...but doing the program to build the muscle to replace the fat is where a lot of people fail...then they just stay fat because of all that milk.
    (So the layman can follow, GOMAD = Gallon of Milk a Day. It's like techno jargon, only with a nicer belly.)

    I've never seen GOMAD paired with SS as a necessary part, though I can see why someone would. It's very intense, and there is nothing more satisfying than the gains from a nice, dirty bulk. It's like your body says, "Hey, man! This is too hard! We need some fuel in here!" And you say back, "Okay, body, here's ALL OF IT."

    But you're right, not EXACTLY Vin Diesel results. So if GOMAD is paired with SS, I recommend not doing that. Though no one should be afraid to feed their body when they're asking that much of it. As for the intensity of Starting Strength, desperate times call for desperate measures. Just wait until they get to Smolov.

  8. #8
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    Hay..

    Great post, thoroughly enjoyed it..

    Im getting to the stage where my temples are going as fast as the new GTR does 0 to 100..

    Bleak.. but ultimately i know i'll be fine and your 4 step program is exactly what i intend to do..

    But the transformation process does suck..

    Oh well trying to live life to the fullest

  9. #9
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    The simple and undisputed truth is that NOTHING, NOTHING can or will take the place of your hair. I don't care if you have the body of Lou Ferrigno and have the wealth of Gates, you still KNOW deep inside that you look like an ugly freak with no hair and most people (men and women alike) will look at you differently when you're bald. Now, if you are lucky enough not to care about that, then you're one lucky guy.



    "Things are often only as hard as one makes them out to be". Yeah, I think the key word here is OFTEN, but NOT ALWAYS. And I think when it comes to hair loss, it definitely isn't one of the those things. Hair loss is without a doubt one of the most devastating things that can happen to you and that will affect every aspect of your life. The average person (with hair) always makes sure they look their best when they go out to deal with the world. People (women and men) spend a few hours every week styling their hair and making sure it looks perfect, and these ARE PEOPLE WITH HAIR, but they still want to make sure it looks good and most wouldn't leave their homes if their hair isn't done so people won't make funny comments on their hair. So, imagine how bald people feel about their freaky looking heads and how that makes them look.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Davey Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpion View Post
    Implying girls like muscles.

    Girls want a thin guy who has a nice face and great hair.

    Muscleheads are seen as overcompensating tryhards.

    They only impress men and gays.

    Sad but true.
    You're only going to look like a Lou Ferrigno-esque muscle head if you do steroids. Just don't do steroids (or at least not that many) and you'll land more in the realm of Vin Diesel. Don't worry, no one ACCIDENTALLY becomes 250 pounds of muscle.

    Especially whiny b*tches like you.

    Quote Originally Posted by VictimOfDHT View Post
    The simple and undisputed truth is that NOTHING, NOTHING can or will take the place of your hair. I don't care if you have the body of Lou Ferrigno and have the wealth of Gates, you still KNOW deep inside that you look like an ugly freak with no hair and most people (men and women alike) will look at you differently when you're bald. Now, if you are lucky enough not to care about that, then you're one lucky guy.
    Disappointing Truths:
    1. You probably will never look as good as you did with hair.
    2. People will look at you differently because you're bald.

    Things That Are Thank Goodness Not True:
    1. Not having hair will make you an ugly freak.

    Life is going to be harder. You're not going to win as often as you would with hair. But the only way to be certain you're going to lose is if you admit defeat before even playing. Sounds like you need to f*cking nut up a little. And don't tell me I don't know how hard balding is. I do, just as well as you do. But I do fine, because I have a set of nuts. I accept the times that being bald is holding me back, I keep trying. And believe it or not, I do win some.

    Lacking hair is holding you back enough, and that sucks. But since you can't grow hair anymore than I can, I recommend you grow a f*cking pair.

    Sorry for being harsh, but you did basically call me an ugly freak, which neither of us are. One of us, however, is a nutless b*stard.

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