27, almost bald, really depressed - my story.

[sheddingtears]

Hey guys, I'm just here to share my story and vent out my frustrations with dealing with hair loss and how its affected my life, and my depression

My hair loss started in high school when I took the drug Accutane for my acne. Hair loss is common with that drug, but its very rare for it to be permanent - I guess I was one of the lucky ones! When I first started treatment I got a small bald patch near the front of my scalp. My derm didn't make a big deal about it and said it would grow back. Being 16-17 at the time, I didn't know any better. I didn't research the drug and trusted my derm. I really wanted to get rid of my horrible acne so I didn't care. I did two courses of accutane, and after the second round I can tell my scalp and hair was drastically changed!

The texture of my hair was changed and diffusely thinned it out everywhere including the back and sides. At first I was able to get by with buzzing it down really short. Accutane caused a weird condition where my scalp overproduces sebum. If I dont wash my hair at least once a day (sometimes more) I get big chunks of sebum. I believe they are clogging my follicles. The hairs that would fall off would sometimes have a thick yellow/waxy sebum attached to the root. I remember I would always pick them off my scalp. The itch was also unbearable and it feels like a crawling feeling in my scalp (hard to explain..)

The hair loss and thinning continued through my 20s. My hairline has NOT receded one bit and looking at my family history I am convinced I do not have MPB, and this is accutane induced, since all this started after I stopped my treatment. I'm a healthy guy and doctors were not able to give me any answers. At this point I had already lost trust in doctors anyway.

At around 23-24 years old, it started becoming very noticeable. Diffuse unpatterned thinning all over, but more in the front. One doc recommended fin, which I tried for 8 months and saw NO results, just a progressive worsening of my hair (and side effects to boot) I stopped taking it. This is another reason why I think I do not have AGA. I started using concealers (Toppik) and it worked great for a few years. It really bought me some time and I was able to live a somewhat-normal life (still had to avoid pools, sleeping over friends house, etc...) I had been using minox around this time also and not sure if it worked at all, but I kept at it. It made my face bloat and took a toll on my skin causing some premature aging.

Fast forward to today, at 27. Concealers are no longer an option due to the amount of hair loss. You can see right through my thin hair and the toppik just forms a layer of dust on my scalp! My sides and back are also very thin. I stopped minox due to side effects (and I feel like its a losing battle, so why bother with it?) I started to shed more after stopping it. Some hairs now are so thin that they are transparent. I basically have no other option but to shave my head, which I am terrified of doing.

This has all really taken a big toll on me emotionally. I suffer from depression and social anxiety now. I blame myself every day for taking that damn drug. I live every day with anger and regret. Every time when I am in public all I notice are guys with full heads of hair and I think "thats supposed to be me" "whats wrong with me" "why can't I have hair like that". I feel disfigured and inadequate. I see my uncles, in their 40s and 50s with full heads of hair (NW0!!) and I die on the inside. I even wish I would have a normal receding hairline, but my hair loss is so ugly (diffuse and unpatterned), I can't style or do anything with it!

I just don't enjoy anything anymore. I avoid leaving the house and cancel plans with friends. I always wear hats and never take it off even indoors with friends. My career is suffering because I don't have any confidence or self-esteem. Suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind at times, even though I would never do it. But the thought of going to sleep and never waking up sounds very nice. I turn to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain and sadness.

If anyone read this long ass rambling, thank you. Hope no one is suffering like me because I wouldn't wish this kind of life on my worst enemy. Todays is Christmas eve and I'm supposed to go to a family gathering, but I am so depressed that I chose to stay home alone instead So thanks for reading!