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This is my first post here, but I’ve read the forum in bits and pieces since 2008. I’m not sure what drives me to finally post, but lately my MPB has worried me a lot. Maybe I just want to vent to empathetic people who know what this is like. (It’s so frustrating that non-balding people cannot grasp how hair loss makes one feel.)
So here goes. I first noticed signs of balding two years ago, though in hindsight it might have started 2- 3 years prior. Before this, things were going well for me. I was doing well in college, I had a good job on the side, had begun dating a new girl, etc. I now realize a lot of the confidence that helped me attain those things, though, came from my appearance. I was something of an awkward kid in public school, but gradually I grew into a handsome young dude, which made me feel bolder in how I interacted with others and how I approached life in general. And my hair – god, I had an awesome head of thick dark hair that I could style in all kinds of ways. Even then, I thought I’d be screwed if I went bald someday, but I didn’t realize just how crucial my hair was for my image… until I saw it thinning.
I had some knowledge of genetic MPB beforehand, and when I initially saw the miniaturizing hairs in the mirror, I knew exactly what was happening. I think I panicked immediately – I shot off an email about it within half an hour to my GF, about how hair loss would depress me for the rest of my life if it couldn’t be reversed. She shrugged it off at the time, just like all non-balding people shrug off the concerns of those with thinning hair.
Anyway. I started looking up treatments online that week, and got more optimistic. “Oh I’ll be fine, these are early stages of balding, I’ll just get on meds and have a full head of hair forever.” Within another week, that all changed. I was styling my hair before class, and used the old double-mirror trick to make sure it didn’t look weird in back. And that’s when I realized my crown was really thinning out – like, I was looking at where my hair used to come together in a tight little whorl, and there was no doubt that an island of scalp was opening up. The water and hair gel made it extremely easy to detect. I freaked.
Whose head was I looking at? This was when I really started to lose my self-image. To this day, I often see myself the mirror and feel like I’m looking at someone else – some balding guy who kidnapped my reflection.
Since then, I’ve become much more acquainted with my hair loss pattern. I now see that my thinning is mostly diffuse – the crown area and hairline have changed a bit, but mainly my hair is getting thinner all over the top of my head. I went on Nizoral 1% shampoo in 2008, then 2% in 2009, and in the last few weeks I’ve started finasteride (1.25 mg daily) as well. I should have started a more aggressive regimen much earlier, but my finances have been limited (still are) and I’ve also been held back by severe bouts of depression (I’m being treated for that as well, but I doubt there is a long-term psychological solution to this disfiguring situation). I did begin using Dercos shampoo “with aminexil” last month, and it seems to improve the quality of my hair, but as for MPB I’m not sure it does anything. I plan on adding to my regimen, but it can be tough with my limited resources. (Also minoxodil is not for me, due to side effects unfortunately).
Really, I guess what I’m thinking first and foremost is that I HATE LOSING MY HAIR. I hate how it has utterly changed my life by ruining my self-perception (not to mention the perception of others – the way women act around me now compared to 3 years ago kills me). I hate not being able to go under bright lights, or go swimming, or be in windy weather. I hate wearing hats all the time when I leave my house, and not knowing what to say when people comment about it. And I hate how there is no way to hit the reset button on this – no amount of money could get my REAL hair back. The way it was before all this craziness.
I feel old, tired, and played out. This isn’t just the loss of hair strands, it’s the loss of my appearance altogether – I’m transforming slowly from an attractive guy into a ridiculous-looking, unattractive person. And yes, my hair does make that much of a difference – I looked good when I had it, but I look like crap with a shaved head. And I’m rapidly losing the ability to cover my balding with the hair I have left.
I feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines while my peers enjoy their youth. There is a painful squeeze in my chest when I see people my age just having a blast with each other, doing the silly fun things that I used to do. I feel like my young adulthood has been stolen from me, and there’s not even a culprit for me to blame. Just bad luck in the genetic dice roll… what a punch in the mouth!
I’ve skipped over a thousand details/thoughts/emotions here, but my post is already too long, and at least I’ve gotten some of this off my chest. I’m sure the veterans on this forum are tired of these kinds of self-pitying rants from people who are newer to the MPB game, but the only POV I really have is my own, and from where I’m standing it seems like there’s not much left for me in life besides hair loss and death. The sense of loss is overwhelming.
So here goes. I first noticed signs of balding two years ago, though in hindsight it might have started 2- 3 years prior. Before this, things were going well for me. I was doing well in college, I had a good job on the side, had begun dating a new girl, etc. I now realize a lot of the confidence that helped me attain those things, though, came from my appearance. I was something of an awkward kid in public school, but gradually I grew into a handsome young dude, which made me feel bolder in how I interacted with others and how I approached life in general. And my hair – god, I had an awesome head of thick dark hair that I could style in all kinds of ways. Even then, I thought I’d be screwed if I went bald someday, but I didn’t realize just how crucial my hair was for my image… until I saw it thinning.
I had some knowledge of genetic MPB beforehand, and when I initially saw the miniaturizing hairs in the mirror, I knew exactly what was happening. I think I panicked immediately – I shot off an email about it within half an hour to my GF, about how hair loss would depress me for the rest of my life if it couldn’t be reversed. She shrugged it off at the time, just like all non-balding people shrug off the concerns of those with thinning hair.
Anyway. I started looking up treatments online that week, and got more optimistic. “Oh I’ll be fine, these are early stages of balding, I’ll just get on meds and have a full head of hair forever.” Within another week, that all changed. I was styling my hair before class, and used the old double-mirror trick to make sure it didn’t look weird in back. And that’s when I realized my crown was really thinning out – like, I was looking at where my hair used to come together in a tight little whorl, and there was no doubt that an island of scalp was opening up. The water and hair gel made it extremely easy to detect. I freaked.
Whose head was I looking at? This was when I really started to lose my self-image. To this day, I often see myself the mirror and feel like I’m looking at someone else – some balding guy who kidnapped my reflection.
Since then, I’ve become much more acquainted with my hair loss pattern. I now see that my thinning is mostly diffuse – the crown area and hairline have changed a bit, but mainly my hair is getting thinner all over the top of my head. I went on Nizoral 1% shampoo in 2008, then 2% in 2009, and in the last few weeks I’ve started finasteride (1.25 mg daily) as well. I should have started a more aggressive regimen much earlier, but my finances have been limited (still are) and I’ve also been held back by severe bouts of depression (I’m being treated for that as well, but I doubt there is a long-term psychological solution to this disfiguring situation). I did begin using Dercos shampoo “with aminexil” last month, and it seems to improve the quality of my hair, but as for MPB I’m not sure it does anything. I plan on adding to my regimen, but it can be tough with my limited resources. (Also minoxodil is not for me, due to side effects unfortunately).
Really, I guess what I’m thinking first and foremost is that I HATE LOSING MY HAIR. I hate how it has utterly changed my life by ruining my self-perception (not to mention the perception of others – the way women act around me now compared to 3 years ago kills me). I hate not being able to go under bright lights, or go swimming, or be in windy weather. I hate wearing hats all the time when I leave my house, and not knowing what to say when people comment about it. And I hate how there is no way to hit the reset button on this – no amount of money could get my REAL hair back. The way it was before all this craziness.
I feel old, tired, and played out. This isn’t just the loss of hair strands, it’s the loss of my appearance altogether – I’m transforming slowly from an attractive guy into a ridiculous-looking, unattractive person. And yes, my hair does make that much of a difference – I looked good when I had it, but I look like crap with a shaved head. And I’m rapidly losing the ability to cover my balding with the hair I have left.
I feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines while my peers enjoy their youth. There is a painful squeeze in my chest when I see people my age just having a blast with each other, doing the silly fun things that I used to do. I feel like my young adulthood has been stolen from me, and there’s not even a culprit for me to blame. Just bad luck in the genetic dice roll… what a punch in the mouth!
I’ve skipped over a thousand details/thoughts/emotions here, but my post is already too long, and at least I’ve gotten some of this off my chest. I’m sure the veterans on this forum are tired of these kinds of self-pitying rants from people who are newer to the MPB game, but the only POV I really have is my own, and from where I’m standing it seems like there’s not much left for me in life besides hair loss and death. The sense of loss is overwhelming.
For me, the notion that this is my one and only life can make MPB even more bothersome. Like, if I only get 75 years to exist, why the hell must I do it with the balding gene?? Grr
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