So you're bald? I know what you're thinking. It's the same thing we all thought at first: "F**K!" And probably also "WELL, S**T!", "WELL, S**T F**K", and "GOD D**M IT ALL TO S**T F**K!" This is natural, but at some point, you're gonna have to start having real thoughts again, you know? You're gonna have to tackle this. To start off and save you a lot of time right now: putting emu fat on your head, drinking a bunch of red wine, and all
those other natural cures are just going to make you oily and drunk. I'm not here to bash being oily and drunk. That state certainly has it's place, but it will not
give you hair. You're gonna have to start dealing with this, and I'm sad to say that after a certain point, getting your hair back is not one of your options. (For now.)
If you're just starting to bald, this post is not for you. Not yet, at least. You may still be in that first stage of hairloss. That stage where you have enough hair that you can still fool yourself. What a pleasant stage that was. But soon enough, unless your denial glands are strong, this will pass. Then there's gonna be a while after that where you'll still be able to fool others. You'll style your hair in just the right way, and you'll be accepted among the ranks of the full heads of hair. Enjoy this while you can, because it is a fleeting ability. Then, finally one day, you'll look in the mirror and you'll realize, "Well hell, I'm not foolin' anybody
anymore." When you're there, come on back. This post is for you.
Firstly, realize that this game is over for your hair. The scores are in, and you lost. You gotta move on. Look at it like this: if you cut your arm open, would you just let it fester and ooze worrying about it, saying, "Well I could get it sewed up, but it wouldn't look nearly as good as it did!" Again, your arm looking as good as it did is no longer an option
. It may hurt, it may not look as nice as it used to, but it's time to sew this s**t up. Your hair is no longer helping you. It is now the enemy. Kill it off, baby. On your own terms.
STEP 1: SHAVE YOUR HEAD
1. For the faint of heart, you could always just buzz it. An eighth of an inch is sufficient, but I recommend taking all the guards off your buzzer and letting it do it's job. That is, I recommend it for the faint of heart. For the brave, it's time to get real.
2. Shave it. In the interest of doing this balls to the wall, go with a straight razor. Keep in mind, you will have to buzz it first, so this is less of an option 2 more of an "option 1a, how to be a real man." Using a straight razor serves two functions. For one, I've found that the shave is closer than with a disposable safety razor. Yet, despite this close shave, it leaves less razor burn. In fact, I've not had any, really. How it does this is beyond me, but that's that. For two, straight razor shaving is the manliest thing you can do to your head that isn't fatal (usually). You have to understand, the new sort of attractiveness you'll be shooting for is an incredibly manly sort, and that is going to have to reflect in your life.
(For buzzing, I've always had good luck with Whal beard trimmers. Pick one up at any Walmart. For straight razor shaving, start with this disposable: http://www.amazon.com/Parker-SRW-Sta...4784719&sr=8-1
. I will personally vouch for the quality, and it is an inexpensive way to see if straight razor shaving is your thing. But trust me, it's your thing, you manly son of a b***h.)
STEP 2: GET A TAN
So I've spent the last paragraph remarking off and on about how it's important to be manly. This seems to contradict the idea of going tanning. It sounds like you'll be putting on your bikini and laying out with your sorority sisters to help you get all the cute frat boys. The sad thing is, I can't really argue with that. Going tanning is NOT manly. The thing that IS manly is working all day out in the fields and ending up with a tan on accident because you're a man, have work to do, and don't give a f**k. Luckily, whether you're laying out with your girls or working the fields, the tan looks exactly the same. Sometimes, when you can't be manly, you should at very least fake it.
Besides, the point of the whole thing is that bald heads look better tanned, and there is nothing more manly than doing things to get girls to bang you. No matter your thoughts on it, trust me, you need a tan. Quit thinking about it so much and go enjoy the sun.
STEP 3: GET YOUR A** TO THE GYM
Quick question, do you have a gym membership? No? Oh, good, prepare to look like s**t bald. Think of all the people that actually look good bald. This is a good exercise in and of itself, because it assures you that looking good bald is at least possible. But now, since you're picturing Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, and The Rock (post head shave) anyway, what do these people look like from the neck down? THAT is what you need to be shooting for. Get your daily planner out and go ahead and mark out an hour or so of everyday. You work out now, and it's as simple as that. Also, while you have your daily planner out, throw your f**king planner out. Having a daily planner is not manly. It's just a glorified diary, young lady.
(I'd recommend starting with with Mark Rippetoe's Starting Strength program. But you're gonna want to learn as much as you can about working out. Www.bodybuilding.com
is nice, though a little commercial now a days. Also, trust no one. Everyone has an opinion and 99% are retarded. And take protein. Simple as that, you have to do that now. Go with this: http://www.truenutrition.com/p-1097-...25lbs.aspx?t=n
. There are no additives, and it's the best protein/dollar price I've ever seen, outside of short term sales. Look for discount codes on Google.)
STEP 4: GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE
The bad thing about this is that following these steps will not assure that you look as good as you used to. Just like sewing up your cut arm is not going to assure you don't show some scars. But like the stitches, these steps will make you look as good as you possibly can given the current circumstances. Yes, that sucks. It f**king sucks. I know that. But thinking about that is not what's going to make you look better. Shaving your head, getting a tan, and hitting the gym is what's going to do that. You're just gonna have to play the cards you were dealt, because that's all we can do in life. And remember, as the great poet Lil' Wayne says:
"All this bullshit, it makes me strong motherf**ker."
Get out there and deal with it, you strong motherf**ker.