Jesus I wish I started fin sooner

[25 going on 65]

Caution: bad language ahead.
Disclaimer: I am not Scorpion. Don't even think about suggesting it.

Ever have one of those days where you really ****ing wish you could do whatever the hell you wanted without any risk of showing hair loss? Ride rollercoasters, swim, run through the wind and rain without hair ever crossing your mind?
This is one of those days for me. I could ****ing punch myself in the gut for not starting finasteride just a little sooner. I don't believe I have lost any hair since starting, in fact my hair looks better than it did when I started, and now most days I can live with reasonable comfort and confidence.
But the fact is I'm creating the goddamn illusion of a full head of hair instead of actually having one. I either throw on a cap or style the shit out of it so no one will ever know what's going on. I am sick to my stomach of doing this. I want to wake up and be able to go out in the sun with bed head and not have to worry about who can see where it has thinned. I want to drive a ****ing car with the window down and feel the wind in my face.
The fact we can perform a face transplant but not regrow some dead cells on a goddamn scalp is completely mind boggling at times. Another thing that boggles my mind is that I am one of the "lucky ones" who caught this problem early and should be thanking my stars that I even have the option of creating the impression of a full head of hair. But it feels like living a bloody lie some days, knowing that if I just lived however I wanted without bothering with my hair, people WOULD notice. That is my nightmare, being a "balding guy" in the eyes of others. being one in my own eyes is ****ing horrible in itself.
I may never ride another rollercoaster in my life, ever. I may never go to the beach and swim in the ocean again. I may never get the chance to stand in the wind and rain anymore, ever. My life has been reduced to just "getting by" and finding self-affirmation in casual sex with women who I never let get too close since it is unacceptable for any of them to ever get an inkling that I might have lost hair. Some of them even tell me how nice or full it is, which like a drug lifts me up for a short time, then sends me crashing down as I realize I'm basically bullshitting them and the world. I'm a stage magician who is in the middle of an act ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
I'm living half a life.

However, this is a bad day. A terrible day. I will survive the night, wake up in the morning, and feel better about things....more grateful for what I have instead of obsessing over what I do not. At least I hope so.
Here's to "another five" ****ing years.