3 FUT procedures later I give up

[Ergo]

Where did this all go wrong? I find myself asking that more and more each day as I hide behind a hat, or check the weather report, or make a mental tally of how many days this week I wore a hat to ensure a low enough number so people don't notice my insecurity (or scars). The truth is that this probably went wrong the day I decided to get my first FUT procedure.

Like many of you being young and heightened with the anxiety of losing my hair I turned to my options. I realized that I had enough money for a transplant but I was still too young to see the extent of my hair loss so I went to steps one and two. I got a prescription for fin and started applying minox twice daily. All was well, and for the first time in two years I stopped worrying about my hair…except a few weeks after starting I got hit like a bus with all the side effects. Unfortunately for me, it made me a non-functioning person, but I was lucky to get off and quickly return to normal within a few weeks/months. And so, I stuck it out with just minox until I was 27 when I felt comfortable getting my first hair transplant. In hindsight, the first doctor that I chose was an awful snake oilman who now parades TV shows and self-aggrandizes by naming procedures after himself, but despite that I don't blame him. I blame myself. Sure he gave me a hairline placement of an eighteen year old but he didn’t chose to sit in that chair, I did. And after that first mistake (which at the time didn’t seem all too terrible) I thought the only way out was through. And so I went to a new reputable IAHRS member who did his best twice more. Despite all this here I am, 4 months post-op from my 3rd FUT procedure and feeling utterly hopeless living as a thirty-something year old emotionally crippled person who contemplates suicide on a daily basis and hides away most days.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I gave everything I had to this fight and now I feel truly defeated. My most recent surgery performed on June of 2019 left me with some major shock loss which I’m still hoping will recover but I have no hope. I’m just defeated.

This journey has destroyed me as a person. 20+ grand and 6,000+ grafts later and I still walk around with a hat most days living in a shell of a former person. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here because I know nothing can be done at this point. I just want to feel whole again.