Girlfriend of 1 1/2 years never seen boyfriend without hat on

**pajason** · 10-23-2017, 08:01 AM

Originally posted by Unparalleled

Hi, this is my first time posting on a forum like this so I’m not really sure how to start this. So I’m a 20 year old female and my boyfriend is 21 years old. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and things are pretty great except for the fact that I’ve never seen him without a hat on his head. When we first started dating he was comfortable with wearing a headband that covered the front part of his head, but now he wears the same beanie all the time. He’s super sensitive about his head, and deflects the conversation any time I or anyone else tries to bring it up. His father is bald so I assume that’s what it is. I just really wish he would talk with me about it, I don’t want to upset him and don’t know how to even approach it. I want him to feel like he can trust me. I really don’t care about what his hair looks like because I love him for who he is.

Please respond with any helpful tips for bringing up this conversation with him and how to better support him.

It isn't uncommon for a young man coming to terms with early hair loss to wear a hat when around others. How to deal with it is a much tougher answer. Maybe when watching a movie or tv show with a bald actor mention that the actor looks good with a shaved head. Drop hints that you don't care about baldness.

**Kyle Kneeland** · 10-23-2017, 09:33 AM

I know you said you already tried to but really you just need to have a conversation about it with him. It's totally normal for someone to be uncomfortable but just emphasize what you've said here: he can trust you not to judge/laugh, and you love him no matter what. Ultimately that's what any good relationship should be about. Obviously he's very self-conscious about it so don't expect him to immediately just toss the beanie away in front of you after you talk, but ideally it's something he can work towards. Wish you the best!

**billchurch69** · 10-31-2017, 10:26 AM

Perhaps I can be of further help here. This may sound like counter-intuitive advice and it goes against those advising that you "just need to have a conversation with him." Unfortunately, this may not be about his relationship with you and fear that you will judge him on his appearance. It is every bit as much about his image in the world, how he sees himself, what others comment on, and who he is as an individual. Remember, a big part of being a man, or most particularly a young man, is how you gauge your ability to function and succeed in the world at large. All the support in the world from a loving girlfriend won't be of much help if his confidence doesn't hold up when he's away from you or when you are with him among others.

While women experience hair loss and changes to their appearance, it is not on the same level as most young, balding men. Since it is such a common condition, women see it around them, have experience with fathers or older male relatives, and often accept it as normal and in some cases attractive. But for a young male experiencing this it is the beginning of what seems a total change to his appearance, and at the time he is most sensitive to these things. It's a threat to one's identity, presumed attractiveness, a premature reminder of getting old, and in general something that stops you in your tracks. Additionally it is perceived as un-masculine to worry about one's appearance excessively, other young males (and many older ones) will mock or kid you mercilessly, and it can lead to depression that is accompanied by self-loathing because men are supposed to be tougher than this and rise above such things.

The hat thing can be a trap and almost a last-resort for young guys losing their hair. It's not unlike a toupee in that once you put it on you know you're covering something you're very sensitive about and that others who observe you wearing it all the time know this as well as you do. So you have a choice; be mocked about your premature hair loss or be mocked for wearing a hat all the time and not being man enough to face who you really are.

So what do you, as his girlfriend, do? While it's important for him to know you love him and find him attractive, this is a bit trickier than that. Any attempt to talk about it will just make him feel self-conscious and force him to address things that trigger a kind of panic. And all the support in the world from you isn't going to change what he experiences from the world around him. I'd suggest emphasizing how attracted you are to him without specifically referencing his wearing a hat all the time. It would seem that, the closer you get, the more likely it is you will see him without the hat. Don't jump on the opportunity once you do to say something like "look at you, handsome" as soon as that happens because it will be transparent and he'll know you're over-compensating to try and get him to toss the hat. Make it more subtle, and if he isn't wearing it go easy until it seems like a natural time to emphasize your attraction to him. Same with commenting on balding male celebrities you may find attractive .. don't reel off four bald guys in a row because he'll know what you're up to. Throw in an equal number with full heads of hair. Also, in line with not making it all about his hair or hair loss, focus on other (superficial) things you are attracted to about him .. maybe his hands or his eyes or his build.

Women often say they are attracted to sensitivity in a guy, but it's often a close second to confidence. What you have to understand is that his confidence has taken a severe hit here because he is sensitive. There are methods you can use to make him feel better, but they will require some sensitivity and forward-thinking on your part, too. Most women want to think that, if their man knows they find them attractive, they will be fine. But it's a bit trickier than that because of who we're taught to be as men .. even as faithful, dependable, good men. He also needs to know you're not the only one who won't pre-judge him based on his hat or his hair. And the fact is, it gets harder to sustain that illusion once you get out the door.

**pkipling** · 11-03-2017, 03:17 PM

This is quite tricky, as there's no universally correct way to handle this. The first thing that came to my mind was how it sounds similar to how some girls will refuse to be seen in front of their boyfriends without makeup.... Which leads me to ask if this is something you do? A woman being willing to be seen without makeup is similar to a balding man being seen without a hat. If you can hang out with him all fresh-faced and makeup free in a sweatpants and a t-shirt, it might make him feel more comfortable letting his guard down as well.

That said, as long as it's not interfering in the relationship and he simply feels sexier/more comfortable wearing the beanie/hat, then I don't see a major problem with it for the most part. However, once it starts negatively impacting the relationship, it needs to be addressed. (i.e. Does he not sleep over because of this? No showers together? No pool time in the summer? No events/outings together when a hat isn't allowed? If it's getting in the way of you guys positively experiencing life together, then that's when you should be concerned.
__________________
I am a patient advocate for Dr. Parsa Mohebi in Los Angeles, CA. My views/opinions are my own and don't necessarily reflect the opinions of Dr. Mohebi and his staff.

**JustShaveIt** · 11-06-2017, 08:11 PM

Originally posted by Unparalleled

Please respond with any helpful tips for bringing up this conversation with him and how to better support him.

Put out 5 times or more a week and that will make him forget about his hair loss.

**mrclean** · 11-06-2017, 11:05 PM

Originally posted by JustShaveIt

Put out 5 times or more a week and that will make him forget about his hair loss.

So that brings up a point....does he wear it when you are having sex?

Girlfriend of 1 1/2 years never seen boyfriend without hat on

Girlfriend of 1 1/2 years never seen boyfriend without hat on

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