Hair transplant - my biggest regret

[nomorehtworry]

Sorry for the lengthy post...but here is my story: :-[
I have always had thin hair. When I was about 19, people would ask me if I was losing my hair. To many of you who have been in that situation know that it just wears you down. When a man is losing his hair it always helps for someone else to point it out to you. (insert sarcastic tone) That in turn started me obsessing over possible hair loss. I never thought of saying F**k it. Instead, when I was 24, I had 3 small hair transplant procedures (micro-grafts) that the doctor “thicken” the center part of my scalp (because I parted my hair in the center at the time.) Not too long after I had the procedures, I realized they were a mistake. Instead of being overly conscious of people seeing my scalp through thin hair, I was now terrified that people would see the odd bumps and hair tufts through thin hair. So from then on, I began to hide the grafts. In addition to the small bumps on my head I have three short scars on the back of my head (longest is about 4 inches.) Last year I had hairs transplanted into the scars by a reputable surgeon, which filled in nicely and made them less obvious. I have also been using Propecia, for the last 5 years which I am slowly weaning myself off of. I didn’t have any major side effects but I don’t want to be messing with my hormones any longer.

Over the past 22 years I have struggled with anxiety and depression because of these surgeries. 14 years ago I began to see a therapist for about 2-3 years, and started taking an anti-depressant and began to feel normal again. For the next 12 years I was fine, then just last October I relapsed. I began seeing another therapist a few weeks ago, who now diagnosed that my depression was not a chemical imbalance, but a psychological one due to prior self-image issues/ low self esteem and is manifesting itself in the hair transplant. In a way this made me feel better since I didn't have some underlying chemical imbalance that finding a remedy was like trying to hit a moving target, and like so many with chemical imbalances they are difficult to treat. On the flip side it made me feel worse since having transplants messed with my life, and not for the better. I did this to myself, I am not a victim just someone who made a terrible choice and has to live with it--or get through it.

My greatest fear is that I lose all my hair and will have my past mistakes clearly visible. Even though I can have the hair grafts removed, I feel ashamed and humiliated-to the point where I have become suicidal at times. My therapist said that I should confront the fear and shave my head... start slowly and work my way there. Doing so will take away all of the power. Last week I told a close friend of mine what was going on and what I did. It felt great and liberating but another day or two and I was back in depression.

My friends who were losing their hair have shaved or closely buzzed their heads. I wish I could do the same without my shame being exposed to everyone. Yesterday I cut my hair shorter than I have ever had in my life since I was a kid. I cut the back of my head to a number 4. No trace of scarring. Top since I have thin hair you can see scalp but it looks ok. I just want to know that when it's all said and done an my hair decides to abandon ship, I there are options to make me look like a normal bald dude. **Strange, when I was younger, I was insecure about my friends having their hair while I was losing mine. Now they are losing theirs and I just want to fit in again***

I may not even lose hair, I am 46 and still have all of it-again it’s thin but I never had thick hair to begin with. Since I am going off Propecia there is a chance of me losing any hair retained from the drug, or maybe it didn’t do anything. Either way I have to be prepared for the worst-case scenario and have a plan.
Anyone who has hair transplant scars and plugs, please let me know your experiences. I’m “coming out” to you guys for the first time, so please be gentle. Thank you in advance for any support.