I can't imagine ever being happy again

[recedoroy]

I can't take it. I've been thinning since I was 18. Only an incredibly thick mop of hair in the first place has meant I've lasted this long. It starts off-ok my hair doesn't style as good, then ok I look a little worse than I used to but I can handle it, then you start catching the odd angle here and there that you don't like but you can hide it with hairstyles, then the times you don't like what you see in the mirror become more and more frequent, then they start to take over, and its only at exactly the right length, with exactly the right hairstyle, in the exact right conditions, ie no rain no wind no sweating. Now at 26 I've reached the point I've dreaded for so long. Every time I see myself I want to ****ing smash my skull off the mirror. I want to keep smashing it until I am just ****ing dead. I can be going about my day perfectly happy and a trip to the bathroom and a glance in the mirror makes me instantly not give a **** about anything. I went on holiday and my friends have put me in charge of collating all our photos. Every time I try I literally end up in a depression that lasts days or even weeks. I cannot stand the sight of myself. Especially next to them. They've all grown into themselves as we've gotten older. They all still feel 'young'. I'm 26 and I could pass as 40. But worse than that is the unavoidable slide down pecking order of respect. Yes all the jokes are just banter, and they would deny it if I said this to them, but its subtle. People react to you differently. They think they're better than you. My view of young bald people was the same even when I was 16. They were sad cases to be pitied but it would never be me.

If I suited being bald I wouldn't mind. I don't. At all. I had really thick hair and it kept everything in proportion. I have a big head and big features, and with big hair, I was actually quite good looking. Now I'm closer to being ugly. I tried propecia for a couple of years. It slowed it down, but didn't stop it altogether, gave me weak erections, and cost a lot. So its not a sustainable option. And the results aren't even worth it for me.

The worst is knowing that I shouldn't feel bad about this. People get cancer, they have accidents, they lose loved ones. But I don't know how to shake the feeling that I'll just be passing time through life. Just finding a way to live in a socially acceptable enough manner until I die. Maybe killing myself if god forbid my parents weren't around. I couldn't do that to them. But I hate this body I'm in and its only going to get worse. My Dad and Uncle had lost nearly all their hair by the time they were 30.

Ye so **** this. Sorry for the language. I have so much anger and there's nowhere for it to go. I often have to restrain myself from picking up a golf club and smashing everything in sight. I can talk myself out of it for a few days. Focus on the good things in life. Try and change my thoughts. But I can't change that feeling that floors me again when I see myself in the mirror. If I never had to look at myself again I might be ok. But mostly I feel like I'm just going to spend my whole life one step above killing myself.