How can I foster a better, more likable personality?

[Aames]

I had a realization. No one is going to want to be friends with me or accept me if I am a complete douche, no matter how aesthetic I become. I have allowed myself to develop many narcissistic traits. I only give attention to those that love and accept me. If I detect the slightest hint of rejection, I immediately discredit the person and start to hate them. I'm realizing that my personality may be what is causing people to stay away from me. When I ask people their first impressions of me, I often hear the words "douche", "snob", "asshole", "stand offish", and "conceited". My forum demeanor probably reflects this sometimes, for which I am eternally sorry.

But I digress. I will never turn back on my quest for perfection, but I now wish to perfect my personality as well. I want to become likable and friendly, someone that everyone feels comfortable with. How do I go about this? I think I used to be friendly before all of this consumed me. My long-term friends seem to like me and find me very funny at times. Any advice, brahs?

[TO YOUNG TO RETIRE]

try to be polite and nice even id someone doesnt like you eventually he ll break.

[Dan26]

The best way to become well liked is to simply add value to all of those around you. It doesn't mean you have go around being a super nice and polite guy, going out of your way to please people. But in all your relationships you must cultivate a comfortable environment to interact and actually take the time/interest to learn about the person so you know how you can add value to their life.

Of course this approach is only effective if you are the f*cking man and lead an interesting and productive life, or at least have fresh/interesting insights and advice to offer.

[TheLaughingCow]

The biggest thing that will make people want to be around you is a sense of humor. People that are completely self-centered can still become very popular if they know how to make others laugh. A sense of humor can be learned with effort.

[BigThinker]

The biggest thing that will make people want to be around you is a sense of humor. People that are completely self-centered can still become very popular if they know how to make others laugh. A sense of humor can be learned with effort.

I agree with this.

You'll never be able to attract the dumb, superficial broads using humor that hovers multiple strata above their intellectual levels. Then again, for most of us, those ones were pushing unattainability anyways (and undesirability as well).

Just have to be able to squash your insecurities, then your natural self comes through. When I feel good about myself, I always end up highly integrated into the conversations and activities around me. When I feel like shit, I smoke lots of weed and play video games until I get a head ache.

But yeah, if you can harness a good sense of humor, you'll have a place amongst most cliques. Of course, having good looks causes that effortlessly, and if you have both then the world is yours.

Set your standards at an average-looking girl with a considerable education and personality. I've also found when I'm dating, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy -- and it has a lingered effect.

[itsmyhairs]

Withdraw from them.

Unless you actually enjoy peoples company then don't try to be anything for them.
It'll make you less likeable if you're pandering all the time.


I think people like me more since I've literally stopped giving two shits what people think of me, stopped laughing at jokes I don't find funny, stopped going places when I can't be bothered.

[mattj]

It sounds like you're probably an insecure person who has tried to portray himself as confident, and in the process has over-compensated and come across as arrogant. You probably seem stand-offish because you avoid letting people get close to you as you fear they'll dislike the real you. You have a low opinion of yourself and assume others will think the same of you, so as a defense mechanism you dismiss people at the slightest hint that your self-doubts are being confirmed.

I'm no psychologist but does any of that sound accurate? I hope you aren't insulted by my attempts to psychoanalyse you.

You seem intelligent enough to analyse yourself (I doubt if an unintelligent person would experience the same anxieties) and it wouldn't surprise me if you've already considered the things that I said.

The main thing to be aware of is that other people won't like you unless you like yourself. Self-loathing is very off-putting and people can sense when a person is putting on a false front.

[TheLaughingCow]

Get good at something. Not aesthetics. Get good at something that takes real work, like a sport or a musical instrument. You will earn respect from everybody who does the same thing, and people who don't do that, but know how tough it is. Plus, it will build your self-confidence.

Then, once you're good at that thing, don't brag about it. Ever. When people bring it up, act like it's no big deal that you put in years of effort. They will be impressed by your humility.

The second part is less important, though. The important part is to be known and respected by others for something. Then, even if you are arrogant (not recommended), people will be able to explain your behavior. If you're arrogant and not good at anything, you're a boor. If you're arrogant and good at something, you're just giving an honest estimation of your abilities.

Keep in mind that it will take years to master a skill that others respect, and you should pick something that you enjoy and that you believe will still be respected by your peers in 10 years.

[NotBelievingIt]

But I digress. I will never turn back on my quest for perfection, but I now wish to perfect my personality as well.

Other, new, people, liking you or not is a reflection of who you are.

If you think you need to be perfect and beautiful you are inately going to look down on those who you view as not fitting your ideal even if you yourself don't fit it. This will reflect in how you interact with them whether you think it does or not. This basic premise is true for everyone, but if you are holding yourself to an ideal of "perfection" then you will begin to dismiss that which is not.

[Aames]

try to be polite and nice even id someone doesnt like you eventually he ll break.

Kill them with kindness? This is a possibility.

The best way to become well liked is to simply add value to all of those around you. It doesn't mean you have go around being a super nice and polite guy, going out of your way to please people. But in all your relationships you must cultivate a comfortable environment to interact and actually take the time/interest to learn about the person so you know how you can add value to their life.

Of course this approach is only effective if you are the f*cking man and lead an interesting and productive life, or at least have fresh/interesting insights and advice to offer.

I think you may have a good point. I feel that I often am the leech in my personal relationships. I tend to use people and should really try to start giving back before I lose the friends that I do have. Thanks.

Aesthetics > Personality

To be honest brah, you sound really beta. Especially about how you cut your hair for a girl. Maybe that's your problem?

In any case you can't improve your personality I'm afraid, only learn how to be more consideration for other's emotions and feelings, to have compassion etc. Don't try and train yourself to be someone you're not. For years I've had lots of friends who I've deep down hated, and only "got on" with out of necessity.

My personality back then was artificial. I was a fake. A fraud. It's a terrible feeling surrounding yourself with people who aren't attracted to the real you. Don't do it.

Better to have a few good friends who you can be true to yourself around than living a lie.

Enjoy life.

I'll crack you square in the gabber, mate, swear to Christ. Brah, she was a 9/10 and I have not felt the warm touch of a vagina in two years. I wasn't thinking clearly and had a lapse in judgement. It doesn't matter; things deteriorated anyway. I know I was stupid but I must put this behind me. Growing it now in cocoon mode.

And yeah, man, I think you are right. I don't want to be fake but I really would like to stop being a cold, unapproachable asshole. I think I have a good personality but I don't give myself the chance to showcase it often enough. I can relate to your fake-friends issue. I have a core of long-time friends; but after I stopped drinking so much and got more into lifting and aesthetics, a lot of people no longer wanted to hang out with me. People suck.

The biggest thing that will make people want to be around you is a sense of humor. People that are completely self-centered can still become very popular if they know how to make others laugh. A sense of humor can be learned with effort.

I THINK I have a decent sense of humor. My long-term friends find me very funny and I can usually make people laugh after they get to know me. The problem is very few people get to know me.

I agree with this.

You'll never be able to attract the dumb, superficial broads using humor that hovers multiple strata above their intellectual levels. Then again, for most of us, those ones were pushing unattainability anyways (and undesirability as well).

Just have to be able to squash your insecurities, then your natural self comes through. When I feel good about myself, I always end up highly integrated into the conversations and activities around me. When I feel like shit, I smoke lots of weed and play video games until I get a head ache.

But yeah, if you can harness a good sense of humor, you'll have a place amongst most cliques. Of course, having good looks causes that effortlessly, and if you have both then the world is yours.

Set your standards at an average-looking girl with a considerable education and personality. I've also found when I'm dating, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy -- and it has a lingered effect.

You're right in regards to my insecurities being what is causing my cold behavior. I likely don't try to open up to people for fear of rejection or coming off as weird. Fuark. I wish I could redo high school and actually develop some semblance of social skills.

Withdraw from them.

Unless you actually enjoy peoples company then don't try to be anything for them.
It'll make you less likeable if you're pandering all the time.


I think people like me more since I've literally stopped giving two shits what people think of me, stopped laughing at jokes I don't find funny, stopped going places when I can't be bothered.

I feel that this is a hit or miss approach. People will either blow you up or think you're being an asshole and forget about you.

It sounds like you're probably an insecure person who has tried to portray himself as confident, and in the process has over-compensated and come across as arrogant. You probably seem stand-offish because you avoid letting people get close to you as you fear they'll dislike the real you. You have a low opinion of yourself and assume others will think the same of you, so as a defense mechanism you dismiss people at the slightest hint that your self-doubts are being confirmed.

I'm no psychologist but does any of that sound accurate? I hope you aren't insulted by my attempts to psychoanalyse you.

You seem intelligent enough to analyse yourself (I doubt if an unintelligent person would experience the same anxieties) and it wouldn't surprise me if you've already considered the things that I said.

The main thing to be aware of is that other people won't like you unless you like yourself. Self-loathing is very off-putting and people can sense when a person is putting on a false front.

I really think you are spot on. I spent my high school fat and it really did a number on my confidence. When I got in shape and started noticing that I was good-looking, I really think I overcompensated in confidence levels. I'm sure that is why people see me as conceited when in reality, I still feel very insecure with myself. I'm really struggling in finding real confidence.

Get good at something. Not aesthetics. Get good at something that takes real work, like a sport or a musical instrument. You will earn respect from everybody who does the same thing, and people who don't do that, but know how tough it is. Plus, it will build your self-confidence.

Then, once you're good at that thing, don't brag about it. Ever. When people bring it up, act like it's no big deal that you put in years of effort. They will be impressed by your humility.

The second part is less important, though. The important part is to be known and respected by others for something. Then, even if you are arrogant (not recommended), people will be able to explain your behavior. If you're arrogant and not good at anything, you're a boor. If you're arrogant and good at something, you're just giving an honest estimation of your abilities.

Keep in mind that it will take years to master a skill that others respect, and you should pick something that you enjoy and that you believe will still be respected by your peers in 10 years.

Not a bad idea. But, in all honesty, there are very few things I am good at. I excel at school and I am pretty damn good at CoD (do not make fun of me lol; I'm being serious) but that is where it ends. My only hobby that I really want to be good at is bodybuilding which obviously ties into my pursuit for aesthetics. What else do you recommend? Guitar? Painting?

Other, new, people, liking you or not is a reflection of who you are.

If you think you need to be perfect and beautiful you are inately going to look down on those who you view as not fitting your ideal even if you yourself don't fit it. This will reflect in how you interact with them whether you think it does or not. This basic premise is true for everyone, but if you are holding yourself to an ideal of "perfection" then you will begin to dismiss that which is not.

You may very well be right. I am very judgmental of people. God, this sucks. I just want to maximize my potential. I realize that true perfection is unobtainable but yet I still yearn for it. Do I smile more? How do I stop being cold and judgmental towards people? I'm not sure I can forsake everything that I know about aesthetics and their relation to status in the world. I feel that I am too enlightened to turn back.

Thank you guys for the responses; I love you. I am always amazed when this community comes together and offers such valid, thoughtful responses to my inane ramblings.