Identity is Key

[Fixed by 35]

There was recently an interesting post on 'baldness bullies.' In particular, it looked at those with a very narrow prescription for baldness that included all the usual stereotypes; shaved head, gym, fake/real tan (I guess that one depends on whether you're from Alaska or Australia).

This got me to thinking again about the perceived problems that baldness presents beyond the obvious cosmetic disadvantages. The truth behind all of these perceptions are contentious but I think baldness can present problems in three areas:

1) Relationships
2) Careers
3) Receipt of common courtesy

We can consider the extent of the impact in a moment but what binds all these together are identity. Now, that on its own is hardly a revelation. However, this is the important part and ties all these problems, identity and 'baldness bullies' together.

I should start by saying I no longer believe that being bald (or balding) is, on its own, enough to cause problems in any of these areas. There are enough examples to the contrary. However, a sense of self identity is hugely important in each of these areas to be successful and when we go bald, we often lack this identity. It is particularly difficult for those in their late teens and early 20s, because this is when a person's adult identity is formed. The impact can be as deep as a personality change; it certainly was for me (I am now far more introverted and far less interested in other people than I was and find myself with no desire to change that).

The reason 'baldness bullies' are of no particular use in the situation is because their remedy is too specific to repair the formation of unique identities. These guys may be too old to understand what it is like being the first person in a group to go bald (10 years earlier and counting than anyone else in my social group) for example. Their advice to shave your head and get over it might be great for a 50 year old, but it's less useful for a 20 year old whose friends think they've given him the imaginative nickname of 'baldy.' Its even worse advice for an introverted 20 year old who preferred not to get the attention of strangers in a club for being young and bald. Anyway, moving on.

I always found the solutions presented laughable because they're so opposite to my own sense of identity. I would never wear a fake tan and have no particular desire to get a real tan either. Being orange and bald does work surprisingly well for some men, I get that. But it's not for me. Likewise, I never imagined spending much time in the gym and have no interest whatsoever in body building. To become a bulky, tanned man with a shaved head would be more of a lie about their character for someone like me than wearing a toupee! I'm probably not alone.

That's not to say I and those like me do not need an identity. Easier said than done but I think I cracked it when I decided looks weren't particularly important. I haven't shaved my head, because I can't be bothered and I don't care what others think. It works for me, because that's my personality. I'm doing fine in my career now and I'm back as a corporate slave! I'm doing fine because my identity is technical go to person and not a good looking champion of the 'Dilbert Principle.' I work in an organisation where there are career streams for both.

Relationships are surprisingly easy too. The trick is just to avoid shallow people. That's 90% of the population but also it's generally a class of person who is not particularly worth the effort. The other 10% are great.

So, where am I now since my first post in 2013. Salary, doubled. Relationship status, married. Courtesy from the public... well, I can't have it all and I give as good as I get. Identity is key to all of this. I won't say baldness is okay because I still find it unsightly if we talk aesthetically. What works for me is remembering aesthetics aren't particularly important.

[chrisdav]

Good post Fixed by 35.

Spex wrote a great topic on identity and he posted it online here:

http://www.baldtruthtalk.com/showthread.php?t=7857

I have read it before and think it is relevant to this topic.

[Fixed by 35]

Yes, his post was interesting although I don't agree with the extent to which we are in the driving seats of our identities. Identity is rather meaningless in solitude and therefore our identities are largely made up from the perceptions of others. With a key attribute missing in the jigsaw puzzle of our identities, we need to be more aggressive in defining ourselves than those with hair.

In practice, I have had to choose changes to my personality in order to create my own identity rather than one that is imposed on me. There are an awful lot of shallow people in the world who would happily see anyone with a disadvantage take a back seat and bald people are a sitting duck to them. One personality trait I used to have was to be reserved and polite. All this got me was the 'lookers' in the office treating me like shit and playing their politics against me. So I changed my personality to be more argumentative (retaining my identity by being diplomatic with it, although I don't bother with the diplomacy when I have the anonymity of the internet).

I still have a long way to go to get my career back on track though. I don't have a natural confidence with people, not least because over the past ten years of balding and being treated progressively worse by some others I've grown a general loathing for an awful lot of people. I have to get over that if I ever want to do more than a senior technical role.

[clandestine]

Truth; the social implications of hair loss are staggering. And especially so when considering young sufferers.

It's astounding how little of an issue hair loss is made out to be by those who do not experience it.

[mpalardy]

You know, I think you hit the nail right on the head with this. My hair has been slowly receding over the past eight years, and the only time it really seems to get to me is in times of other change or transition during which my identity is somehow threatened. My thinning pate being among the first things I see in the morning, it often becomes a hook to hang a whole bevy of other things that are likewise out of our control upon. Even though I am told my hair loss doesn't really look bad, there are nonetheless a few weeks out of the year that I am miserable, particularly when other, generally non-physical, reminders of my aging come to vex me.

To be honest, what you aptly term "baldness bullies" here, though thinking that they are part of the solution, are one of the biggest parts of the problem. I've wondered why I tend to have such an instinctive revulsion to them, and now I get it: they have a one-size-fits-all solution to the problem, and that solution just does not match the image that many of us want to put forward to the world. Judging from some of the posts I've been reading today, I take it that many of the habitués here are balding quite young, having developed quite the identity crisis because of it. The bullies come in, presenting another identity. Starved for some sense of identity, I've seen many young men adopt that, never quite realizing that they seem as ridiculous as Donald Trump's combover. At least the Donald, however, presents himself to the world the way he wants to, not the way he thinks he must. The introverted, liberal-arts type trying to look like a tough guy is just kind of humourous.

Perhaps the best piece of advice, all too rarely heard, is simply to bald gracefully. Want to wear a Caesar cut in its early stages? Do so. Want to grow a full beard? Do so. Want to see how well you can sport Granddad's Homberg? Do so. But understand, keeping the hair is generally a losing battle unless you want to shell out a lot of money and perhaps damage your health otherwise. Just do what you've always done. There are better ways to be bald or balding than just being another "sly" clone. And as for the women, if they're really that shallow, why do you want them anyway? If you're bound to find one, you'll find her, hair or not.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck and that we don't want to conceal it now and again. For instance, I only remove my beret at Mass and while I'm sleeping, and am thinking about investing in a hair system for my less secure days: the option to alternate looks by situation is somewhat appealing to me. I don't like it, but we've all got to deal with it somehow.

And consider that if it weren't baldness, it would be something else...

[BigThinker]

Balding has given me a new zest for life, after taking it away from me for a few months.

At first, I was afraid I had lost my identity. In my mid twenties, I started thinking my best days were behind me. I stopped going out, let my academics slip up, among other things.

Took a few months, some serious time and energy on this forum, some individual soul searching, but now I'm on the other end. Friday rolls around and I get the itch go out. I pull my hair back with my NW 2.5, put on nice clothes, and put my best face on. Hell, I think I've done better with women in the last 1.5 months than any other time in my life.
I started hitting the gym hard; to get super jacked? No. But I look healthy, and I feel good.

I've seen some pretty wild posts on this website; saying things like once you're bald you're dead inside. It's just not true. I know I'm only a NW 2.5/3, but I know if the hair keep slipping, I won't let myself slip.

If I hadn't started balding, I'd probably still not be working out, smoking twice as much pot as I do now, putting off my Master's thesis, an doing the bare minimum at my internship.

[Fixed by 35]

Truth; the social implications of hair loss are staggering. And especially so when considering young sufferers.

It's astounding how little of an issue hair loss is made out to be by those who do not experience it.

Yeah, if you let it, baldness has huge social implications. It's frustrating but there are ways to come out on top. Now, I don't buy in to too much of the positive psychology; instead I buy into a simple formula of winners and losers. The true winner should be merit; the actual winner is often looks. If you want to come out on top, you have to cut shallow people loose and be completely detached from them and be indifferent if their shallowness leads to suffering.

At the very very top of the business world, in the very best firms, hair really doesn't make a different. Merit is too critical to the balance sheet to allow it. Further down the chain hair is an issue so quit those firms and let them go to the wall with their talentless models in middle management. In relationships, people who put looks first are far less likely to be satisfied with their partner. My knowing that gives me no end of pleasure and makes me delightfully smug!

The reality is that in life there will be winners and losers. Bald men do need to make more of their own luck but ultimately we must play to our strengths to make sure other people are the losers. The habit of wide swathes of society being taken in by looks rather than talent is a clear disadvantage shared by most of the population which is why they will live a boring life of stagnant careers, unfulfilling relationships and iProduct envy as long as we hit their mushy psychology with brutal, hard, uncompromising talent.

To be honest, what you aptly term "baldness bullies" here, though thinking that they are part of the solution, are one of the biggest parts of the problem.

At worst, they're an inconvenience. A certain type of man who can pull off the look without losing their identity can't understand why others find it harder to accept their situation. Another group just don't give a damn what they look like. A certain other site might be accused of such judgmental attitudes, although at heart they're only trying to help and they seem pretty happy with life in general.

The introverted, liberal-arts type trying to look like a tough guy is just kind of humourous.

Well exactly. My identity is academic/corporate professional. I'm hardly going to convince people at first glance that I'm a professional with advanced expertise if I turn up looking like a body builder. I'd also lose all my free reading time to the gym and taking steroids. Also, whereas buzz cutting can be done once a fortnight, wet shaving has to be done every day unless you want to be Mr. Velcro Head. I estimate I'd lose 1.5 hours a day to a regime to adopt this image, which after work, commuting and essential functioning like eating would give me less than 1 hour a day to do stuff I want to do.

I think the conclusion is that identity is that much more important when you bald because it is harder to create an instant perception that says much about yourself. Becoming a body builder is an option but it's certainly not the only one.

[Fixed by 35]

Balding has given me a new zest for life, after taking it away from me for a few months.

At first, I was afraid I had lost my identity. In my mid twenties, I started thinking my best days were behind me. I stopped going out, let my academics slip up, among other things.

Took a few months, some serious time and energy on this forum, some individual soul searching, but now I'm on the other end. Friday rolls around and I get the itch go out. I pull my hair back with my NW 2.5, put on nice clothes, and put my best face on. Hell, I think I've done better with women in the last 1.5 months than any other time in my life.
I started hitting the gym hard; to get super jacked? No. But I look healthy, and I feel good.

I've seen some pretty wild posts on this website; saying things like once you're bald you're dead inside. It's just not true. I know I'm only a NW 2.5/3, but I know if the hair keep slipping, I won't let myself slip.

If I hadn't started balding, I'd probably still not be working out, smoking twice as much pot as I do now, putting off my Master's thesis, an doing the bare minimum at my internship.

Okay, that's good, as long as you mean it. Just beware that being a NW2.5 is a very different experience to being a NW4-5. I didn't find baldness that difficult to get over when I was a NW 2.5, it became a lot harder when I reached NW4. Be ready for it.

[hage]

"baldness bullies" and, it seems, "gym bullies".


There's nowt wrong with working out. Regardless of your hair surely everyone would be better off spending more time in the gym.


edited to add: becoming a bodybuilder is easier said than done and should take a lot of discipline (and I ain't one by the way)

[clandestine]

Okay, that's good, as long as you mean it. Just beware that being a NW2.5 is a very different experience to being a NW4-5. I didn't find baldness that difficult to get over when I was a NW 2.5, it became a lot harder when I reached NW4. Be ready for it.

So ******ing true. Soon as your crown goes, be prepared.