? for any women out there-What does it mean when I girl says this?

[mpb47]

Hello,
This is a ? for any women out there. Just trying to figure out what a girl means when she says what was said to me a few months back.

Well over 10 years ago , I was close to getting married. It didn't work out and it burned me out on the dating thing so i gave up on dating. Eventually got fat and unhealthy and knew there was no chance at that point anyway. Well a little over a year ago that all changed and i lost the weight and back down to where i was over 10 years ago.

A freind who met his girlfriend online encouraged me to do the same so I figured I would give it a shot. Within a few weeks I had a girl contacting me. We were a good match, similar careers and interests. We meet and go out on a date. i think things go well but later felt she was pulling away. She seems to come and go over the next few months. finallly she says it's not going to work out and this is all she would say:

1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.

The only thing I can think of was this: She is an academic and has a masters degree. I do as well, but not in my career. In my career. i am self taught as it was one of my hobbies as a kid. I told her I took over my dept and was promoted over someone with a masters because they could not do the job. I mentioned that it was not really his fault because they do not teach real world practicality in CIS. i was not trying to brag but maybe it came off that way. I also now believe she may be an academic snob as she recently updated her profile to say something like this: i am tired of people who claim to have advanced degrees but can't spell or complete sentences. Heck, I can't spell but that is what a WP is for and that is how I made it through school.

2) She said I was too competitive. We share a same sport and I was careful to go slow as I knew it would not be fair: girl against a guy. So not sure how she could come up with that. Plus I am lazy, and only recently has anyone else ever said that about me. Maybe she meant the career thing...that might be true I admit. And if she really is an academic snob, darn right I would be. Not to be mean, but to prove a point.

3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?


I like to learn from my failures, so appreciate any interpretation
i know some of the fault was on my side, but this is an attractive girl and she is still trying to find a boyfreind so I don't think it is all on me.

When she first pulled away I asked her if I was too unattractive to her and if so, let me know and I would not bother her anymore. But she never said a word when I asked her that, so still puzzled what went wrong. Thanks

[Aames]

I wish I could help you a bit more, but I am slightly inexperienced with women. What I can tell you, however, is that analyzing every little possibility and scenario regarding where you went wrong will drive you insane (trust me). Be as aesthetic as you can, be kind but don't let her walk all over you (be dominant but don't be a complete douche), and realize that there are billions of women on this planet and not a single one of them is more special than the other.

[baldozer]

Hello,
This is a ? for any women out there. Just trying to figure out what a girl means when she says what was said to me a few months back.

Well over 10 years ago , I was close to getting married. It didn't work out and it burned me out on the dating thing so i gave up on dating. Eventually got fat and unhealthy and knew there was no chance at that point anyway. Well a little over a year ago that all changed and i lost the weight and back down to where i was over 10 years ago.

A freind who met his girlfriend online encouraged me to do the same so I figured I would give it a shot. Within a few weeks I had a girl contacting me. We were a good match, similar careers and interests. We meet and go out on a date. i think things go well but later felt she was pulling away. She seems to come and go over the next few months. finallly she says it's not going to work out and this is all she would say:

1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.

The only thing I can think of was this: She is an academic and has a masters degree. I do as well, but not in my career. In my career. i am self taught as it was one of my hobbies as a kid. I told her I took over my dept and was promoted over someone with a masters because they could not do the job. I mentioned that it was not really his fault because they do not teach real world practicality in CIS. i was not trying to brag but maybe it came off that way. I also now believe she may be an academic snob as she recently updated her profile to say something like this: i am tired of people who claim to have advanced degrees but can't spell or complete sentences. Heck, I can't spell but that is what a WP is for and that is how I made it through school.

2) She said I was too competitive. We share a same sport and I was careful to go slow as I knew it would not be fair: girl against a guy. So not sure how she could come up with that. Plus I am lazy, and only recently has anyone else ever said that about me. Maybe she meant the career thing...that might be true I admit. And if she really is an academic snob, darn right I would be. Not to be mean, but to prove a point.

3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?


I like to learn from my failures, so appreciate any interpretation
i know some of the fault was on my side, but this is an attractive girl and she is still trying to find a boyfreind so I don't think it is all on me.

When she first pulled away I asked her if I was too unattractive to her and if so, let me know and I would not bother her anymore. But she never said a word when I asked her that, so still puzzled what went wrong. Thanks

Maybe she was turned off by your insecurities. Why would you ask someone if you are unattractive, if you are not insecure?

[mpb47]

I wish I could help you a bit more, but I am slightly inexperienced with women. What I can tell you, however, is that analyzing every little possibility and scenario regarding where you went wrong will drive you insane (trust me). Be as aesthetic as you can, be kind but don't let her walk all over you (be dominant but don't be a complete douche), and realize that there are billions of women on this planet and not a single one of them is more special than the other.

Yea I probably did let her walk over me a bit too much but it was because it had been a long time since I met someone I liked this much.

As far as the analyzing goes, that is hard not to do because I really am an analyst as far as my job goes. Got to know what went wrong so I do not repeat. I have had too many almosts I guess.

[mpb47]

Maybe she was turned off by your insecurities. Why would you ask someone if you are unattractive, if you are not insecure?

Maybe she felt that way but that is not why I asked. I could tell there was a problem at that point and wanted to know what it was. I knew if she found me unattractive there was no point in continuing to try and date her. But if it was something minor, it might be fixable.

I do know I probably make a bad impression but not sure why. Even my mom said something like that years ago. Said it was too bad people judge on the first encounter because they never get to know the real me or something like that.

I have figured out that many women don't understand or like dry humor. I had a friend years ago that I though was hilarious but he had far more worst luck with women than I ever did . My gf at the time went out on a mercy date with him and fell asleep in the movie theater. I asked her what was wrong with him..she said boring boring. I said what about his jokes? She didn't like them/understand them. So I learned to quit doing that. I did try a few on this girl and could tell she did not like them so I stopped pretty quick like.

[Aames]

Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.

[mpb47]

Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.

Well I *may* have an answer to why the girl rejected you..only because I had the same thing happen to me about 2 years ago.

Did you in *any* way give off any signals that you were not interested. Maybe not words but actions? Maybe you were nervous and took it slow?

I had a girl at work that I am pretty sure was interested in me. She asked me out to lunch frequently-and I took her up on it. Over the holidays she invited me over to her house-did not take her up on it. The problem was - it was not that I was Not interested, but 2 years ago I was very much overweight and very sick. Couldn't have done anything even if I wanted to, but my hormones were so messed up I didn't want to. Well I got better but at that point it was too late. Asked her out to lunch several times and the answer was always no! As of late she has warmed up a bit, but she takes my humor as being serious so not sure it could ever work out anyway.

So did you give any kind of sign to her that you might reject her? I do know women can't STAND being rejected and I think it hurts them more than us-probably due to their hormones but that is just a guess. If she thought you might reject her, she would reject you first.

[baldozer]

Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.

It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.

And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.

[Aames]

Well I *may* have an answer to why the girl rejected you..only because I had the same thing happen to me about 2 years ago.

Did you in *any* way give off any signals that you were not interested. Maybe not words but actions? Maybe you were nervous and took it slow?

I had a girl at work that I am pretty sure was interested in me. She asked me out to lunch frequently-and I took her up on it. Over the holidays she invited me over to her house-did not take her up on it. The problem was - it was not that I was Not interested, but 2 years ago I was very much overweight and very sick. Couldn't have done anything even if I wanted to, but my hormones were so messed up I didn't want to. Well I got better but at that point it was too late. Asked her out to lunch several times and the answer was always no! As of late she has warmed up a bit, but she takes my humor as being serious so not sure it could ever work out anyway.

So did you give any kind of sign to her that you might reject her? I do know women can't STAND being rejected and I think it hurts them more than us-probably due to their hormones but that is just a guess. If she thought you might reject her, she would reject you first.

Shit, I don't know man. I think there are other factors at play; the situation is very complicated. In any case, being rejected in such a manner has really destroyed my confidence. It will be a long while before I can put myself out there again. I'm just going to focus on improving myself in the meantime. I hope things work out for you, friend. Just remember you are a great human being and you do not need a woman to complete you. She should only enhance your life. I try to remember these things but it is hard spending night after night alone.

[Shan]

It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.

And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.

Oh god this is so funny. You know you're an ugly twat BD, stop trying to convince yourself othetwise

[NotBelievingIt]

My .02c

1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.

It could be subtle things you think nothing of because it is simply who you are. It could have been a comment about politics, or other behavior traits that in the early stages most people purposefully don't show - but can sometimes let slip through innocent and quickly worded exchanges.

2) She said I was too competitive.

Simply that you don't take to losing or not doing well. The last gal I dated actually made a point to tell me one of her 'tests' is how a guy does at bowling and his reactions. My heart sunk at this because I am terrible at bowling but I like doing it and it ticks me off to no end that I suck. But I know I suck only because I only go bowling like once every 2 years. We never went bowling but had we, I know I would have changed my attitude purposely because of her comment. Bowling is such a simple sport that no one should really ever take it seriously unless you're actually good. But an overly competitive person will take not react well when they do poorly at something.

3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?

That you write a good dating site profile and sounded like you might be interesting, but lack actual hobbies or "life events" that would make you someone fun to hang out with or talk about your past. I think I fall into this same category. I basically have zero stories about the last 13 years of my life and it bothers me. The last girlfriend had a shitton of stories and I internally just felt so boring. I was definitely not without things to do with her that I wanted to do as well as she wanted to do, so that was covered. It was just my past that stunk.

When she first pulled away I asked her if I was too unattractive

This was your ultimate failure and what likely made her mind up. If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it for her.

[TheLaughingCow]

Don't analyze her comments, analyze her actions. She just wasn't that into you, and so she made up some reasons to rationalize it to you. I doubt that those were the real reasons she didn't like you. She probably just didn't feel any chemistry, which isn't your fault. Try not to agonize over it.

[mpb47]

Shit, I don't know man. I think there are other factors at play; the situation is very complicated. In any case, being rejected in such a manner has really destroyed my confidence. It will be a long while before I can put myself out there again. I'm just going to focus on improving myself in the meantime. I hope things work out for you, friend. Just remember you are a great human being and you do not need a woman to complete you. She should only enhance your life. I try to remember these things but it is hard spending night after night alone.

Well only advise I can say is it's ok to give up for awhile and take a break, just don't take too long like I did. The way with dealing with being alone is to be sure and spend time with friends and hopefully the right girl will come along sooner or later.

Thanks..don't worry I don't give up! And good luck to you too man!

[mpb47]

It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.

I think this is true only when you are younger. At time goes on, it's 50-50 least that is the way it appears to me. Now I hear many people saying what you are saying is true all the time when it comes to online dating. I have not done it long enough to form an opinion.

And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.

Yea that could be it too and she just refused to tell me for whatever reason.

I have had really unattractive girls be repulsed by my appearance yet had really attractive girls get someone to get me to ask them out. So I really don't know where I stand in that dept. Guess it depends on the other person.

[mpb47]

My .02c


It could be subtle things you think nothing of because it is simply who you are. It could have been a comment about politics, or other behavior traits that in the early stages most people purposefully don't show - but can sometimes let slip through innocent and quickly worded exchanges.

I really think it had to do something with academics- she is big into that and even though we are in the same field more or less, I am 99% self taught. She asked why I did not have a degree in our field and I told her because at least at the time, they were 20 years out of date and it was a waste of time..and I had seen too many people with both undergrad and masters degrees who couldn't administer a unix server if it hit them in the head. That probably was it right there as you can guess what masters program she just enrolled in.

Simply that you don't take to losing or not doing well. The last gal I dated actually made a point to tell me one of her 'tests' is how a guy does at bowling and his reactions. My heart sunk at this because I am terrible at bowling but I like doing it and it ticks me off to no end that I suck. But I know I suck only because I only go bowling like once every 2 years. We never went bowling but had we, I know I would have changed my attitude purposely because of her comment. Bowling is such a simple sport that no one should really ever take it seriously unless you're actually good. But an overly competitive person will take not react well when they do poorly at something.

Honestly most people would not say I was competitive at least at most things. I am only competitive in things that I enjoy for fun, which most of the time are my hobbies. Which in this case, became my career. I a m also competitive if something is important to me, then I do not like to lose. But I don't really think anything is wrong with that as it has got me a good steady job for almost 16 years and has kept me alive.

That you write a good dating site profile and sounded like you might be interesting, but lack actual hobbies or "life events" that would make you someone fun to hang out with or talk about your past. I think I fall into this same category. I basically have zero stories about the last 13 years of my life and it bothers me. The last girlfriend had a shitton of stories and I internally just felt so boring. I was definitely not without things to do with her that I wanted to do as well as she wanted to do, so that was covered. It was just my past that stunk.

Ah now You may have hit on something. I don't write a good profile, but rather I had help. A woman helped me and she kinda said the same things you just did. Because I am into so much technical things, that many women would not be into me, because I was not well rounded. And that I was probably in for a long wait. She did say that it was good that I knew who I was and it only would take the right girl for things to work out.

This was your ultimate failure and what likely made her mind up. If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it for her.

I guess it's confusing to me that I could both be too competitive and lack confidence at the same time. Things I am good at, I have confidence, things I am not, I don't . This was the first attempt at getting back into the dating scene so I probably didn't have confidence. People on these dating sites are always saying you should be your true self. Well I tried that and it didn't work out so well. I have met a few women since this girl and I will say at least they were honest up front they were not into tech types-so I was not left wondering like I was with this girl Thinking about doing a role reversal- faking confidence in normal life stuff and not say a word about my career/hobbies etc. I couldn't hold up that front forever, but maybe long enough for them to like me. Dating shouldn't be this hard...

Thanks for the comments...