The struggles of a balding longhair and the double-standards between men and women
I am now on the lowest of the low amongst men, a sad balding man clinging on to long hair, I never thought I would end up here at the age of 27. Yes I've been on the big 3 (Propecia, Minoxidil, Nizoral) plus biotin supplements for a year now, no improvement even if it has slowed the shedding.
I don't want short hair, to me that's just as bad as taking a razor to my scalp. I'm so attached to my long hair and I've put huge effort into maintaining it over the years, it's a lifestyle at this point and one of the things that makes me happy for some stupid reason. I'm so keen on maintaining the long hair look that I am seriously considering getting one of the high quality human hair wigs, but from my reading it seems that men who wear wigs are only one rung up the ladder from balding men clinging on to long hair. I don't understand why?
All over Youtube there are videos of balding women (with far less hair then me) demonstrating how they use wigs, toppers, extensions to cover their scalp, why is it couragous when they do it but 'sad' if I as a man do the same thing? I read the comments from (mostly women) and it's always "you're so brave" "you look beautiful hun" "oh wow you'd never know it wasn't your bio-hair!". Bring up the subject of whether women in their 20's/30's would date a man with a wig anywhere on the internet and strap in for some vicious comments about what 'real men' do.
I'm the last person to whine about equality in general, I get it, double standards exist for better or for worse. This one really bothers me though, because I feel like I am locked out of a perfectly viable option that would allow me to move on with my life purely because I have a dick and, if I want to use it again, I have to pander to what appears to be a very wide-spread expectation amongst women, embrace baldness 'like a man'.
The problem is compounded by the fact that women who are attracted to longhairs WILL run their hands through your hair at first opportunity, guaranteed. They will do it long before you even get to sex, and when you are in the bedroom quite often end up grabbing fistfuls and tug at it. As such there is no way of hiding a wig, I would have to be fully open about it to friends, family, and lovers. I can deal with that, I can handle good natured banter from my brother and friends, hell I'd probably encourage it. What I don't want to deal with is being openly and viciously ridiculed because for some reason bald men are one of the few targets that are still 'fair game' for society to mock - probably because nobody wants to shag us so we don't get protected by the crowd.
I've got to do something either way, I'm so obsessed right now that it's stopping me from enjoying life. Yes I know that life will go on if I just cut it, but then I'm still balding with shit quality short hair, and I've given in to something I don't want to do just because of how I will be judged, which seems even sadder to me.
I don't have any questions, I'm just curious to see what you fellas think and wanted to vent.
03-07-2018 01:26 PM
Ahab
I suspect that even when it comes to wigs, shorter is better as far as maintenance is concerned. Meanwhile, as for the cultural acceptance of women as opposed to men when it comes to hair loss: men who are vain are at a disadvantage in a fight, as fighting can leave one disfigured. Hence it is, at least at some subconscious level, that a man who exhibits signs of vanity is more likely to back down from a fight. A wise woman would not want a man who is prone to letting other men push him around. Such a man would be an inept protector of her and her children.
Furthermore, other men would also look down upon vanity in other men, because such vain men would not be the best allies should their tribe be under attack. Vain men make poor soldiers; hence the prejudice against signs of vanity in men. This can be offset by otherwise being known as a powerful fighter who is not afraid of disfigurement.
Warriors in "primitive" tribes actually wear makeup (e.g., warpaint) and various forms of bodily adornment--including carefully arranged hair-- yet no one would doubt their ferocity in a fight.
If you want to be treated with respect, be redoubtable first. Then you can do whatever the F you want, including wearing of a wig.
03-08-2018 03:50 AM
clee984
It's an interesting point, and one I have considered before. For some reason baldness is not considered 'off limits' when it comes to political correctness - for example, it is deemed perfectly acceptable and amusing to refer to a bald man as a 'slap head', but to refer to somebody with weight issues in a similar way, meets with the strongest censure. Why is this? Not to disparage weight problems, but they are, in the majority of cases, caused by choices. Baldness isn't. I have often thought, that if baldness could be reversed by something as simple as eating less and taking more exercise, there would be zero bald men.
I even once experienced this in my own life, an incident I look back on as odd. There was a chap who lived near me, a young lad, who wore a very obvious wig. I would wince inwardly in solidarity every time I saw him. When I mentioned this to a female friend, she made a joke about it, then said 'Oh, I shouldn't laugh, because he might have alopecia or something, rather than just being bald'. Well, what's the difference? Says I. One is a medical condition, and one isn't, she says. Again I ask, what's the difference? Why is it cruel to mock him if he has alopecia, but not if he has......a different kind of alopecia, that happens to be more common so you don't deem it 'medical'? They both have the same end result - loss of hair.
What Ahab says is correct - in the human species, it is the female who are the preeners. Their looks are more important than ours, and I think it is our responsibility as men, to realise how tough it must be to be a lady in this day and age, of photoshopped celebrity selfies and so on.
It is striking how supportive ladies are of each other when they have this type of issue, and I think that we men should take notes from them. We should support each other, rather than 'joshing' and making fun.
So my friend, if you want to wear a wig, I say more power to you. I hope you wear the magnificent mane you deserve. I don't know about it personally, but I expect there are wigs that aren't obvious even if they're played with, and you could just be honest with a lady as you would be with your brother, and make a joke of it - ask her straight out, "Hey, is my wig on straight?" - she'll probably laugh about it, and if she's shallow and does care, then you wouldn't want to get with her anyway, I'm guessing.
03-08-2018 04:49 AM
McCloud90
Quote:
Originally Posted by clee984
It's an interesting point, and one I have considered before. For some reason baldness is not considered 'off limits' when it comes to political correctness - for example, it is deemed perfectly acceptable and amusing to refer to a bald man as a 'slap head', but to refer to somebody with weight issues in a similar way, meets with the strongest censure. Why is this? Not to disparage weight problems, but they are, in the majority of cases, caused by choices. Baldness isn't. I have often thought, that if baldness could be reversed by something as simple as eating less and taking more exercise, there would be zero bald men.
I even once experienced this in my own life, an incident I look back on as odd. There was a chap who lived near me, a young lad, who wore a very obvious wig. I would wince inwardly in solidarity every time I saw him. When I mentioned this to a female friend, she made a joke about it, then said 'Oh, I shouldn't laugh, because he might have alopecia or something, rather than just being bald'. Well, what's the difference? Says I. One is a medical condition, and one isn't, she says. Again I ask, what's the difference? Why is it cruel to mock him if he has alopecia, but not if he has......a different kind of alopecia, that happens to be more common so you don't deem it 'medical'? They both have the same end result - loss of hair.
What Ahab says is correct - in the human species, it is the female who are the preeners. Their looks are more important than ours, and I think it is our responsibility as men, to realise how tough it must be to be a lady in this day and age, of photoshopped celebrity selfies and so on.
It is striking how supportive ladies are of each other when they have this type of issue, and I think that we men should take notes from them. We should support each other, rather than 'joshing' and making fun.
So my friend, if you want to wear a wig, I say more power to you. I hope you wear the magnificent mane you deserve. I don't know about it personally, but I expect there are wigs that aren't obvious even if they're played with, and you could just be honest with a lady as you would be with your brother, and make a joke of it - ask her straight out, "Hey, is my wig on straight?" - she'll probably laugh about it, and if she's shallow and does care, then you wouldn't want to get with her anyway, I'm guessing.
Yes you're right, it does make no sense that some types of baldness are off-limits whilst MPB is still perfectly fine to mock, and it's very true that many of us would do anything to grow our hair back properly, changing my diet wouldn't even seem like a sacrifice by comparison. People just don't think.
I get what Ahab is saying, in any sexually dimorphic species you have one side that focuses more on preening and being desireable, but my follow up point would be:
Why, in an age where society is being progressive about almost everything else, is it acceptable to justify discrimination against balding men based on primitive instincts? Racism is a primitive instinct, but nobody credible would say "oh white people just don't like black people because 10,000 years ago you had to be wary of people who didn't belong to your immediate group, so that's fine". We would, rightly so, call those people backwards morons and ostracise them.
It's very frustating when you live in a time where you are constantly told that you are the priveleged class and that you need to be extra sensitive to everyone else or you're a terrible person, and yet everyone else says it's fine to openly mock you for the one thing that hurts you the most, and that you really can't control. It makes you think "**** the lot of you, how dare you ask my support for your cause whilst you tread all over mine". I know that's not the attitude of an enlightened man, but the experience of balding in today's world makes you bitter.
As for solidarity, it's not men I'm worried about. Like I say I can deal with banter, it's what many guys do and how we cope with things. It's women that seem to really hate the idea of men wearing wigs, even the kinder responses I've seen in forums tend to be "oh bless, you wear a wig if you want, but yeah it'd be too weird for me to date a guy like that..". Most men probably wouldn't notice due to a lack of experience with artificial hair/long hair, it's women who will look at a part and know that it's too perfect and that there's not enough scalp on display.
Anyway thanks for your words of encouragement dude, it's a rare thing on this subject and means a lot. I've made enquiries with a good wig-maker in London that does bespoke handmade wigs and I have asked to see examples of long-haired ones on men. Who knows, maybe they will look more convincing than I anticipate - I hope so for £3,000-£5,000!
03-08-2018 08:18 AM
BaldBearded
So, the question is, how long is your hair, and how "bald" are you?
You can get a hair system, for far less than 3-4 thousand quid, that will let you keep much of your own hair. It looks natural and isn't a "wig". It's read hair, and if you get a system with the right base, density, etc, it will look like its' growing out of your own head.
No, you will not be able to let woman grab at your hair. That is a nono. But if you are losing your hair... you don't want people grabbing at it.
03-08-2018 08:57 AM
McCloud90
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaldBearded
So, the question is, how long is your hair, and how "bald" are you?
You can get a hair system, for far less than 3-4 thousand quid, that will let you keep much of your own hair. It looks natural and isn't a "wig". It's read hair, and if you get a system with the right base, density, etc, it will look like its' growing out of your own head.
No, you will not be able to let woman grab at your hair. That is a nono. But if you are losing your hair... you don't want people grabbing at it.
My hair is now an inch off shoulder length, but it's not usually so short, I had it cut hoping it would look less thin - it didn't help and if anything looks worse because it doesn't fan out over my shoulders now.
I am Norwood 2-2.5, maybe 3 but hard to tell as I've always had a high harline and wispy temples even as a kid. The worst part is that I have diffuse thinning all over my vertex and crown and my forelock is now stringy and see through. In addition to thinning, my hair on top has become very fine and dry, whilst the back and sides are still bouncy and thick.
I can just about pass as a non-balding guy using volume powders and doing a side parting, most people are still surprised when I tell them I am balding, but when I show them and let them feel, they go "oh yeah...". My hair certainly doesn't look good anymore even if it passes.
The only reason I'm looking at such expensive options is because I understand that they look more real, but yeah it would be awesome if I didn't have to fork out so much over it. Essentially I need coverage all the way from just behind my forelock to the crown, but only in a relatively narrow area at present, though undoubtadly it's going to get worse.
Too right re women grabbing it, only last weekend I had to keep pushing a woman's hands away because the top is so brittle and easy to break.
03-08-2018 09:18 AM
BaldBearded
If your back and sides are still "bouncy and thick" it would be a shame to cut it all off, in order to wear a wig. Wigs are usually attached with clips, and don't fit like a good hair system (which is also custom". Bespoke is a fancy work for ****ING EXPENSIVE!
With a good hair system, you will only be required to shave off the thinning areas, but keep as much of your own hair, as possible. They can also work with your temples, etc. Since you probably don't need gray, you have more flexibility with length, also. That "bespoke wig" won't last you forever, and you will need to get a new one, probably every year. For 3-4 thousand quid, you can probably get 3-4 hair systems.
There is no way to private message, but you can send me mail at baldbearded@gmail.com. I am using a company called OneHead Hair replacement. They have locations in Canada, Europe and I believe, also in London. They do most of their consultation via phone and skpye, etc.
If your back and sides are still "bouncy and thick" it would be a shame to cut it all off, in order to wear a wig. Wigs are usually attached with clips, and don't fit like a good hair system (which is also custom". Bespoke is a fancy work for ****ING EXPENSIVE!
With a good hair system, you will only be required to shave off the thinning areas, but keep as much of your own hair, as possible. They can also work with your temples, etc. Since you probably don't need gray, you have more flexibility with length, also. That "bespoke wig" won't last you forever, and you will need to get a new one, probably every year. For 3-4 thousand quid, you can probably get 3-4 hair systems.
There is no way to private message, but you can send me mail at baldbearded@gmail.com. I am using a company called OneHead Hair replacement. They have locations in Canada, Europe and I believe, also in London. They do most of their consultation via phone and skpye, etc.
Thanks for the info, looking at OneHead now. Have you already got your system from them? The place I've been looking at has a really good rep, but yeah definately geared towards people who have money to burn.
You're right though man, it would be a shame to cut it all off and I really don't want to. I love it too, even the pain in the ass parts like the maintenance.
The 2nd link didn't work (I wonder if there's a forum policy re linking to other forums?) but I'll drop you an email so you can email me the link if that's cool.
Cheers
03-08-2018 10:23 AM
BaldBearded
I emailed you, privately.
One thing to keep in mind, while you are going through this... there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve your hair, and your looks.
03-08-2018 03:47 PM
Ahab
I believe it is a mistake to joke about it. If we do not respect ourselves, we cannot fault others for not respecting us. Be matter of fact about wearing a wig. Don't joke about it, and don't act defensive about it. Unless the woman is very young (say, early-mid twenties) or immature, she probably won't care. I've had relationships with young women who really didn't seem to notice or care about my hair problems. It puzzled me at the time, but now that I am older, I understand: women care the most about how a man acts, not how he looks. If you dislike how you look bald, and can live with transplants or a hairpiece given your lifestyle, fine. But do it for yourself, not because you think it will get you a girl.
03-08-2018 06:06 PM
BayouCityRoller
It cuts both ways. I'm a 54 year old woman who started losing my hair in my mid 40s. I feel forced to wear a wig. I wish women had the same freedom men have to be bald. That being said, I wouldn't want my man to wear a wig just like I bet you wouldn't want your woman not to wear a wig if she was losing her hair. But, I don't think you should be left out of having some alternative. I've been thinking about an idea that I'd try if it was an option. You, being a young guy would probably be able to pull it off and maybe start a new trend.
You know how people get piercing just about any where? Well, why not get piercings through your scalp? Strategically placed and with some sort of attachment mechanism, you could add hair. Not in a way like you were trying to hide your baldness, but in an ode to hair. It could be bold and make a statement. Like a man bun or a mohawk. I would find that sexy and you could probably make it so that it didn't come of when your girl wanted to pull it.
03-08-2018 10:23 PM
Ahab
When I was young, the thought crossed my mind to grow a beard and wear a turban--I sometimes still think about it. I once thought about moving to the mideast to live among the arabs because they wear head coverings indoors and out. But because I had such an otherwise great life in the USA and hate deserts and palm trees, I decided to stick around. These days, men do so many things formerly thought of as completely wacky--tattoos, piercings, mowhawks, rainbow colored hair, etc., I'm surprised men are still self-conscious about tame stuff like hairpieces. Maybe a hairpiece that looks like a rainbow colored mohawk would be easier to sport. (Speaking of moving somewhere men still cover their heads: I read an account of a U.S. ambassador to the mideast in the 1930's; he ended up liking life there so much, that he went completely native and lived there the rest of his life. When I saw his before and after photos, I thought I understood why: he was bald in the before photo, and wore an arab headdress in the after photo. The chance to have a harem might also have had some appeal, though I don't know if he achieved that.)
03-08-2018 10:31 PM
Ahab
I think it's OK for a middle aged man to show some hairloss. But for a fellow who wants to date women younger than, say, 25, lack of hair would limit his options; I am certain his life would be better with hair. Whether a hairpiece or wig would improve his life more than it would hurt his life, depends on what kind of life he aspires to lead. If he plans to be a couch potato, always indoors, in climate-controlled environments out of the rain, snow, dust, wind, tobacco smoke, etc., a wig might be practical.
03-10-2018 06:40 PM
Vunoo
I have exactly the same sttrugles as you, mate. I don't have long hair, but medium in this case. Oh, and also... I'm 22 years old, also a diffuse thinner with probably worst density than yours. I made a Thread on the "Coping Hairloss in Everyday Life" and "Non Surgical Hair Replacement" sections that I think you should really take a look at. People like @BaldBearded gave me some pretty good tips.
I live in portugal and as a young male, young women are really REALLY concerned about your hair quality. To the point where even if you have a pretty good face, good eyes and strong lips. Being bald (or thinning) will be a huuuuge turn off in most cases.
Between this month and April I'll be going all-in on a good quality hair system. My dad doesn't approve this so I'll have to do it on my own. I no longer recognise myself with this shitty quality hair. I wanna be that happy boy I once was 7 years back.
I know this is a huge deal but since the current treaments are completly worthless we really gotta give it a try, mate.
Best of luck, stay strong buddy...
03-10-2018 06:43 PM
Vunoo
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayouCityRoller
It cuts both ways. I'm a 54 year old woman who started losing my hair in my mid 40s. I feel forced to wear a wig. I wish women had the same freedom men have to be bald. That being said, I wouldn't want my man to wear a wig just like I bet you wouldn't want your woman not to wear a wig if she was losing her hair. But, I don't think you should be left out of having some alternative. I've been thinking about an idea that I'd try if it was an option. You, being a young guy would probably be able to pull it off and maybe start a new trend.
You know how people get piercing just about any where? Well, why not get piercings through your scalp? Strategically placed and with some sort of attachment mechanism, you could add hair. Not in a way like you were trying to hide your baldness, but in an ode to hair. It could be bold and make a statement. Like a man bun or a mohawk. I would find that sexy and you could probably make it so that it didn't come of when your girl wanted to pull it.
I'm also a bit against @BayoutCityRoller's comment. I would be ok if the girl I'm dating was wearing a wig or a system. For me it's like the make-up you put on everyday. Most of the times it's pointless but if it gives you that confidence boost then why not.
Why wouldn't it be ok for you to date a man wearing a wig/hair system? If he looks that good and feels happy with himself, you'd still say no because it's not his hair? It bugs my mind. I really hope this is a generation thing.
03-12-2018 05:10 AM
McCloud90
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayouCityRoller
It cuts both ways. I'm a 54 year old woman who started losing my hair in my mid 40s. I feel forced to wear a wig. I wish women had the same freedom men have to be bald. That being said, I wouldn't want my man to wear a wig just like I bet you wouldn't want your woman not to wear a wig if she was losing her hair. But, I don't think you should be left out of having some alternative. I've been thinking about an idea that I'd try if it was an option. You, being a young guy would probably be able to pull it off and maybe start a new trend.
You know how people get piercing just about any where? Well, why not get piercings through your scalp? Strategically placed and with some sort of attachment mechanism, you could add hair. Not in a way like you were trying to hide your baldness, but in an ode to hair. It could be bold and make a statement. Like a man bun or a mohawk. I would find that sexy and you could probably make it so that it didn't come of when your girl wanted to pull it.
I would argue that women are also free to be openly bald, men are only 'free' to do it in the sense that people expect it, it still results in most people finding us unattractive or mocking us unless we have a complimentary facial structure and personality, although I do acknowledge that bald women are more likley to be noticed and probably have less options to compensate (outside of hiding it).
'Manly' men who are good at being a leader/practical things that women find attractive get away with balding/not caring about their appearance because they hold obvious value that is unattached to aesthetics, those of us with a more reserved personality and traditionally feminine skills have to worry more about our looks if we want to be successful. People assume a great deal of competence and hidden talent when you're good looking, and men treat you with respect when they notice that women want you, even if you can't talk use tools or lead people. Losing this veneer leaves me with nothing that's relevant in the 10 or so seconds it takes a woman to decide whether she find you sexy, and also harms the perception that other men have of me.
This is all fine if I'm ready to settle down because I have other value like finely honed cooking/cleaning skills and a good job, but I'm not ready for that for a while yet, at least 5-10 years based on how I feel.
Incidentally, as much as your idea re the piercings is interesting, I barely get away with long hair tied up at work, no chance would they tolerate that!
03-12-2018 05:51 AM
McCloud90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vunoo
I have exactly the same sttrugles as you, mate. I don't have long hair, but medium in this case. Oh, and also... I'm 22 years old, also a diffuse thinner with probably worst density than yours. I made a Thread on the "Coping Hairloss in Everyday Life" and "Non Surgical Hair Replacement" sections that I think you should really take a look at. People like @BaldBearded gave me some pretty good tips.
I live in portugal and as a young male, young women are really REALLY concerned about your hair quality. To the point where even if you have a pretty good face, good eyes and strong lips. Being bald (or thinning) will be a huuuuge turn off in most cases.
Between this month and April I'll be going all-in on a good quality hair system. My dad doesn't approve this so I'll have to do it on my own. I no longer recognise myself with this shitty quality hair. I wanna be that happy boy I once was 7 years back.
I know this is a huge deal but since the current treaments are completly worthless we really gotta give it a try, mate.
Best of luck, stay strong buddy...
I feel for you man, it sucks when it happens so young. I really hope the hair system works out for you, it may not be a perfect solution, but I'm certain its much better than balding before 40 if you get a decent one. There's only one way to find out, and it beats endless looking in the mirror/ at hairloss forums.
Good luck to you too fella.
03-12-2018 06:08 AM
McCloud90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahab
I think it's OK for a middle aged man to show some hairloss. But for a fellow who wants to date women younger than, say, 25, lack of hair would limit his options; I am certain his life would be better with hair. Whether a hairpiece or wig would improve his life more than it would hurt his life, depends on what kind of life he aspires to lead. If he plans to be a couch potato, always indoors, in climate-controlled environments out of the rain, snow, dust, wind, tobacco smoke, etc., a wig might be practical.
To be fair I'm not that interested in dating women under 25, but I think even the more desirable girls in late-20's/early 30's prefer men with hair, but it's as you said in an earlier post, it's for me more than for any particular girl. I doubt any method of wearing hair is practical for anyone, but then again neither is a persistent feeling of anxiety and hopelessness over your appearance, it's just a case of deciding which burden you prefer to bear.
In an ideal world we would all just be totally cool with balding as that's the only way to be free from it entirely, but I guess some of us just aren't wired that way.
03-12-2018 06:25 AM
clee984
There actually is a woman I've seen a few times in my town who is bald - she's only young, she must be 20-something. I don't know why she has no hair, whether she has alopecia, or chemo, or what, but I have to say, she's pretty sexy - which perhaps confirms what you guys have been saying about dudes, that some people can pull it off if they have other attributes.
The fact is that baldness needs a cure, for everyone who suffers from it. No ifs, buts, or maybes.
