View Full Version : Optimizing your Social Environment

10-25-2010, 04:45 PM
Hello brothers,

I have just joined these forums so forgive me for being presumptuous, but I thought I might address a topic that I haven’t as yet seen highlighted - choosing the people and places you interact with as a bald man.

I focus on this topic as it is of particular importance to my predicament. I have known my best friend for many years now, since I was about 4 years old in fact. We’ve grown up together and finish each others sentences and have many similarities. We frequently got referred to as brothers because we were so close and so similar looking. However, since losing my hair at the ripe old age of 19, I have been progressively perceived as the evil twin - the ugly duckling. It’s almost like seeing two fruit muffins in a bakery shop window. One has a sumptuous looking red cherry on top, the other appears a tad barren by comparison. They are both tasty muffins - perfectly edible, and will give you nourishment and satisfaction. But which one would you choose madame?

And there in-lies my dilemma. When I go out with my best friend and our group, its as if I am looking at myself in a parallel reality - one where I kept my hair, and enjoy all the trappings that comes with it. Trappings that I took for granted. Like women falling at my feet. I cannot tell you how much it pains me to sit and watch my best friend (who we will call Dan for the purpose of this post) blabbering away to girls, telling crap jokes and pointless stories, and all the while they are giggling and fawning over him. Then when I have something of actual interest to say (god forbid), it’s glazed over with the slightest of nods and then they’re back to their golden boy. You see my friend is a bit of a social aggressor. If I start a story, he will finish it. If I’m talking to a girl he’ll walk over and butt in. He doesn’t mean it, we’ve had this discussion before. It’s just the way he is (he’s a Leo if you believe in that sort of thing). He has to be the lynchpin of the group, the centre of attention. Master and commander. It doesn’t matter how witty, well-mannered or well-groomed I am (and I am known for my fashionable appearance), they always look to him as the leader of the pack. And what’s worse is, he’s got a girlfriend and I’m single! Even though I am available and he’s not, they still chat him up! So I ask all the ladies of these opinion poles, the ones that say hair isn’t an issue. That it’s a man’s humor (check), dress sense (check), hygiene (check) and nice eyes (check) that matters the most to them. I ask you, what am I missing? Hair that’s what.

Now I’m not saying that all women are this shallow, and it’s here where I make my point. I moved to England for two years upon securing a job, and so was separated from my best friend and our gang. I had far less socially proactive friends in my new surroundings, all of whom were of my age or older, which allowed me to blossom as the witty wise cracking youngster. Even my taller, leaner friend with flowing locks was given less attention than me from the female persuasion. He is painfully quiet and shy though. That’s when I realized that it’s all about comparative appearance. If I am given enough time and space to charm a girl, they usually end up liking me, but I need all the yappy, pretty little distractions around me to bugger off for a bit. Northern English girls are great - up for a laugh and not so bitchy. Scottish girls are the worst. The only girl I’ve pulled since I moved back up here was a Canadian! Coincidence? I think not. British women seem, from my experience, to be much higher maintenance than their American, Canadian and European counterparts.

So what’s wrong with this picture? I have this great best friend of mine who is slowly killing me inside. We hang about with a comparatively younger crowd that makes me look like a creepy uncle. I live in Scotland surrounded by possibly the most superficial girls in the world (FYI - I haven’t been to Miami yet). I’m not giving myself the best chances am I? Don’t get me wrong, I could play the odds and find a nice girl and settle down with her. But I’m not looking for that. I’m looking to recapture my misspent youth. I’m looking for crazy nights out and hot flings. Things I should have been doing instead of barricading myself in my room and crying myself to sleep. But these things are tough to come by in these hairless days in my part of the world. So what’s to be done? Well, I am strongly considering a totally fresh start in another land with company I will truly benefit from. This may seem a tad radical to some, but I have been crippled enough already with hair loss, and I need to remove as many shackles as I can from my remaining years.

So I ask you brothers - what do you think of my proposed solution?

I would love to hear of any similar stories about tales of reinvention or beginning life anew. How did it work out for you?

Thanks for listening, I realize that this has been an epic!

10-25-2010, 09:47 PM
Hi hairlessScotsman and welcome to the forum. You raise some interesting points with regard to hairloss. It very well may be that fewer women are interested in you because you have lost your hair. I think that is the case with most guys. It is definitely worse when you are a younger man. Personally, I notice that I get fewer "looks" from women than I did when I wore stylish hats all over the place. I don't think there is any way to deny it. There is a BIG difference between balding in your 20's and slowly balding at 40 or 50. Generally, younger women are less likely to be interested in guys who have domed, or who are doming;that's just life.

I too lost out on my youth. When I began losing my hair in my late teens it was a miserable time for me. I COMPLETELY lost my youth because of it. It has been very difficult mourning what I lost over the years, which includes all the innocent and fun experiences with girls. Baldness has made me grow up fast and mature. When you physically age that rapidly, what choice do you have? I never went through that bar-surfing party stage that most people go through. Perhaps it doesn't matter as much because I am not a party person;that's never been my thing.

I learned to shift my energy from chasing girls to other things such as running. By 19, I secluded myself from a social life and focused on long-distance running. By 20, I was logging 7 miles per day including a 13 mile run once per week on monday night. Sometimes I would run twice per day:7 miles in the afternoon and 5 miles in the evening. Instead of drinking myself into oblivion I used running as a method of coping with my depression. Seeing as many long-distance runners are loners and have high divorce rates, it fit my lifestyle. Running cross-country through the forest enabled me to forget about baldness and zone into another realm. You would be surprised at the shit you can forget about when you've been running non-stop for 1 1/2 hours. That, along with a strict-vegetarian diet was my life from 20-24.

I am American and I have never been to Europe;therefore, I don't know much about Scottish women. American women are as superficial as they come. Right now I am in school full time and working as a tutor. I'm really not focused on finding a girlfriend. I'm working hard in school so that I can get a decent job in the medical field upon my graduation. I had an illness which, along with my premature baldness, ruined my 20's. I was first isolated because of hairloss, and then the illness. I am not a very social person because, frankly, I don't meet a lot of people with whom I have much in common. America is set up in a strip-mall, supermarket pattern. There is not much of a sense of community here. Sometimes I think that Europe might suit me better because of that.

Many women will not date a bald man but there are some who will. I don't necessarily think a woman is shallow because she won't date one;it's a matter of preference. I don't blame women for not dating bald guys as I don't blame a guy for not dating someone whom he finds unattractive. There is a fine line between looking decent as a bald guy and not looking decent. Some guys can pull it off and some can't.

I think people get too caught up in the media, and in the opinions of others. Personally, I don't care whether "most" women find me appealing. All that matters is the opinion of that one woman who will be my girlfriend one day. I have had a few beautiful women check me out but I really don't care. The most important thing in life is self-acceptance

I will end by saying that women are notorious for their sense of attraction. Biologically, it appears as though women are attracted to confidence and security;that explains women's worship of wealthy men. Many times, women are attracted to the "appearance" of confidence. I think the whole confidence thing is bullshit. There are many insecure men who "act" confident to show off;of course, many women fall for it. Many guys who are confident are quiet, indifferent or just don't give off the "confident" vibe. Women will assume these men are weak. See, I don't kiss anyone's ass, including women. I don't put on the small talk, lies and BS for the sake of trying to get laid;I have too much self-respect for that. I will not sink to that level. Be your own man, be who you are, and let the chips fall where they may.

10-26-2010, 02:55 AM
Woah Weedwacker, thanks for the epic response!

I don't disagree with one thing you have said, and I particularly identify with your 'no BS ass-kissing' policy. I hate 'convincing' a girl into getting with me. It actually gives me lower self-esteem than if I just left it entirely. I need to know the girl is as into me as I am to her, or it's just no fun.

Perhaps the only thing that I don't identify with so much from your post is the career thing. I used to be very driven, but then I watched a little documentary film called "Collapse" and after further detailed investigation, realised the planet is going to hell in a hand cart fast! Hopefully the world will be a lot less superficial in a post-industrialised world, due to the lack of celebrity trash tv/magazines, money and needless products and accessories. It's a really interesting film that I recommend everyone watch. But I digress.

I think the secret is to stop trying to live up to my friend's lifestyle and develop my own unique one. I just can't do the 'pulling 19-year-olds in clubs' thing anymore. It's just not working for me.

When I was in England I was dating this extremely attractive 31-year-old doctor. Very naturally beautiful, with a lovely nature, and obviously very smart given her job. I couldn't believe she was attracted to me, but it all happened very naturally. Unfortunately, I developed the old inferiority complex, especially after my mate told me that she used to live in a £600,000 mansion with her rich ex-husband! I was just starting to gather my self-confidence back together again after two or three really low years, and I just wasn't strong enough to support anyone but myself, let alone a hot older girlfriend! And so I bitched out, which I still regret to this day.

Anyway my point is that I agree, there are still women who will find me attractive. Beautiful women at that. But I always seem to meet them when I'm not with my usual crowd of people, at an inappropriate time and setting. Maybe the 'stranger from a strange land' thing helps when you are in a different country. Maybe you would find British women easier because you are American and I would find American women easier because I'm British. We should do a timeshare!

Lol, seriously though, I also agree with you not blaming women for not fancying us, because I too have high standards with women. It's an unfortunate side effect of being young and attractive once. Those days are over now, but I refuse to lower them just because I lost some damn hair! I mean I'm still me, aren't I? I guess I'll just have to keep doing what I do, and hope there are still some reasonably young women out there that don't prescribe to the mass-media image of what a man should look like.

Still, I should think a change of scenery will definitely do me only good. Anyone care to recommend some of the more open-minded countries out there?

Fixed by 35
10-26-2010, 03:10 AM
I'm emigrating to Australia next year. They're the only English speaking developed world country that still sometimes elects bald men to lead the country, so logically they must be more mature about disfigurement. Plus if you're bald, you HAVE to wear a hat in summer to avoid skin cancer.

10-26-2010, 03:29 AM
Actually, I was just going to say, scratch that last question. I'm not going to pick a destination based on the odds of picking up the local women. That's not the mark of a strong individual. I will choose where I go based on my appreciation of and attraction to the cultural qualities of the place, and its society's way of life. Maybe I'll study as a traditional artist at a classical atelier in Florence. I need to reinstate my passion for life before I can feel passionate about any woman.

Lol @ Fixed by 35, Australia is a good choice though man, an ex-colleague of mine has just moved there and is loving it. A much more relaxed and easy-going place in general, which is good for him as he has ADHD!!!

Fixed by 35
10-26-2010, 04:00 AM
Australia is indeed a cool destination. My plan is to get a place in the outback and to continue working from home. Lots of space and no social contact. I can't wait.

10-26-2010, 06:11 AM
I think the issue here is how your perceive yourself and act when you are in different company. I think you perceive yourself as 'the ugly duckling' when out with your mate with hair, and as a result you give off the lack of confidence vibes, probably subconciously.
You have said yourself that you went out with a beautiful, intelligent woman....... before your low self esteem scuppered things again. Dont you think she saw good looking men with hair every day?? Yet she chose you.
It sounds like when you are with your mate, your self image is negative.......but when you 'branch out alone'........you reveal the real you, without the same level of anxiety about how you are perceived.

Fixed by 35
10-26-2010, 06:29 AM
I disagree. I say trust your instinct and trust your logic.

Instinctively everyone on this board clearly knew baldness was a bad thing when it first happened; logically, people with hair must think the same way in similar proportions, which is near 100%.

10-26-2010, 11:01 AM
'near 100 %'.... please provide proof : )
Plenty of bald men on this forum have dated good looking women......just search through and you shall find : ))
So where are we meeting these women if the worlds against us?? :o